When I Close My Eyes

by Elizabeth Musser
Carver County Library paperback 338 pages
genre: Christian fiction

Not sure I feel like typing up all the pages I put post-its on . . . but I am excited for book club tonight and the chance to talk about this book. A hired assassin shoots Christian author Josephine Bourdillon in the head. But because someone called her name at the moment and she turned, the bullet wounds her gravely instead of killing her instantly. Lying in a coma, she has "flashbacks" of her childhood as her family rushes to her side to sit vigil and encourage her to pull through. The would-be killer is struggling with his own demons and comes to the hospital to finish what he started.

I read the first forty pages and then put it aside. Saturday evening, I finished the entire book! Musser is a wonderful storyteller who brings the threads of the story together as we hear from the different perspectives.

I've always kind of wondered about / struggled with the idea of a born-again Christian having problems with depression. This book helped make sense of it for me. This was a book about depression without being depressing to read. I loved Paige and her edginess. I also loved the observations about her acting a lot like Jesus even though she claimed not to believe in Him. . . .

Page 30-1: "Miss Josy, you listen to me, and you listen good. There's a whole lot of evil in this world. And you got a heart that feels it more than others. But don't you go tryin' to carry it - you give it to the good Lord, you hear me? Can't be carryin' it on your mighty thin shoulders. The Lord, now He's got big shoulders. You tell Him about it, and then you go on out and drink your ginger ale. Ain't up to you to fix the world's problems." Terrence was such a fantastic character! I loved his wisdom!

Page 69-70: "Josephine, I'm no expert on much, but I know one thing. When I start feeling overwhelmed or angry or discouraged, I try to read what God has to say about it in the Bible. And I keep a list of Bible verses that talk about whatever is bothering me. Sometimes I even memorize those verses." Fred O., her youth pastor, showed her how to use a concordance and find Scriptures that helped her with what she most struggled with! Yes! Excellent strategy!

Page 107: "Their weekly meetings were a gift, a great gift, and gradually Marcia helped her understand how to let go of the burdens, helped her redirect her spiraling thoughts, pointed her more fully to Christ, encouraged her to meditate on Scripture, to let God's Word tape over the cruel voices that played like a cassette in her mind. The voices didn't go away completely, but she learned to recognize them sooner, to prepare herself for the mental fight. And she learned that she could not fix her family." Marcia was another person who really helped Josie when she was younger.

Page 138 - her miscarriages . . . so incredibly sad. I can't imagine that pain.

Page 152 - Henry is being changed as he reads Josie's books and opens his heart to the possibility of forgiveness. Talking to Jase, he says, "These hard times are gonna be used for good. Make you stronger, son. Make you better inside and out. They're changin' your heart."

Page 193: "When she spoke to women's groups, Josephine never shied away from the truth - her need for antidepressants to regulate her moods, her need for counseling, her need for complete rest, her need for Scripture and people. She told it all in living color, always ending with, 'God's Word brought me back from the edge of despair . . . from insanity.'" God's Word has power!

Page 240: I love the whole page because Henry is musing on how "Christians" often act instead of how Jesus says they should act - in love. "I wondered how many religious folks nowadays acted like those Pharisees. And then I wondered long and hard how Jesus would feel about them."

Page 308: "Faith and mental instability aren't mutually exclusive." When Drake says this, Paige has to repeat it and think about it. Interesting how a perspective shift can do that.

Page 328-30: When her family reads her letter, it summarizes beautifully her whole journey. This part really struck me: 'Back in 2007, I tried to take my life. Despite having a wonderful, loving family and community and a deep faith in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I had slipped into a terrible spiral of hopelessness. By God's grace, my attempt failed. My road back to mental and physical health came from my support group as well as mental health professionals and medication." She goes on to talk about getting help.