by Randi Kreger
Hennepin County Library paperback 242 pages plus resources, notes, and index
genre: non-fiction, mental health
Someone relatively close to me was diagnosed as "borderline." My question was, "borderline what?" My curiosity and desire to understand brought me to request this book from the public library. There is a fairly long waiting list for books on Borderline Personality Disorder . . . and there are a remarkable number of books written on this topic! I can't believe I'd never heard of it before.
Officially recognized as a mental illness in 1980, BPD is apparently much more common than I could have possibly realized. As much as I struggled to be compassionate, I still feel as though this disorder is basically comprised of a lot of immaturity and selfishness. That said, I think that if I had to deal with a close loved one (spouse, child, etc.) with it, this book would be a lifeline! The author has done a fine job of talking about BPD and how to manage it.
Page 10 - "Over time, people who are close to someone with BPD become so accustomed to living with abusive behavior they start to think it's normal. Family members frequently experience feelings of guilt, shame, depression, exhaustion, isolation, and helplessness." This makes me worry about those people I care about who DO deal with this person on a regular basis.
Page 16 - The whole section on siblings . . . I just had to post the entire thing here.
Page 19 - "People spend years trying to please their borderline family member by twisting themselves into a pretzel to avoid conflict." Yep. That sounds familiar. Yuk!
Page 38 - "Higher-functioning Invisible BPs have the following characteristics: 1. They strongly disavow having
any problems, even tiny ones. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else's fault. If family members suggest they may have BPD, they almost always accuse the other person of having it instead. 2. They refuse to seek help unless someone threatens to end the relationship. If they do go to counseling, they usually don't intend to work on their own issues. . . . 3. They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems. 4. They hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that masks their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behavior toward those close to them. Family members say these people bring to mind Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 5. If they have other mental disorders, they're ones that also allow for high functioning, such as narcissistic personality disorder. 6. Family members' greatest challenges include coping with verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse; trying to convince the BP to get treatment; worrying about the effects of BPD behaviors on their other children; quietly losing their confidence and self-esteem; and trying - and failing - to set limits."
Page 98 - Under "why it's so hard to find a therapist," the author includes a cocktail party conversation basically about therapists doing everything possible to avoid taking on any BPD patients. "Therapists develop this negative mind-set for two general reasons. First, BPs are one of the most challenging types of patients to treat - if not
the most challenging. Second, treating borderline patients can be emotionally draining for the therapist." Wow. That's discouraging.
Part 2 included a lot about "Power Tools." I skim-read this for two reasons. 1. I don't have to deal with this as directly as other loved ones do. 2. The book needs to get back to the library for the next person on the waiting list!
Page 125 - The tools are:
1. Take good care of yourself.
2. Uncover what keeps you feeling stuck.
3. Communicate to be heard.
4. Set limits with love.
5. Reinforce the right behavior.
Page 153 - "If you feel guilty, ask yourself, 'What am I feeling guilty for?' Be specific. If you think you should have known something, what is it, and how would you have known? If there is something you regret, learn from it. Make amends if necessary, put a plan together to prevent it from happening again, and try to turn any aspect of what happened into something positive." Part of the reason this jumped out at me is because I (and my siblings) grew up feeling guilty (or shame-ful?) about almost anything. We joked about it, but it's not funny.
Page 165 - "Of all the limitations imposed by borderline personality disorder, those involving communication are the most brutal because they can lead to impulsive aggression that can harm - even destroy - the close relationships people with BPD crave. Discord is inevitable; the way we manage it determines, in large part, the health of the relationship." The section on communication was very interesting and applicable to most relationships, with or without BPD issues.
Page 166 - "Shame crafts insults from general remarks, whips negative intent out of thin air, and twists innocent phrases into daggers." This author really impresses me with her writing at times!
Page 187 - I like some of the "noncombative statements" in the section on defuse . . . "It's critical that your tone of voice and body language be calm, reassuring, and open without being patronizing.
- "I appreciate what you said, but what I mean is . . . "
- "At the time my motivation was . . . "
- "Actually, what I really feel / think is . . . "
- "Maybe I'm not making myself clear. What I'm saying is . . . "
- "Perhaps you misunderstood me . . . "
- "Could we get back on subject?"
- "So-and-so doesn't really have anything to do with this. Let's talk about you and me."
There's another entire page of this, but I'm getting too tired to keep typing (or scan).
Page 197 - "I learned you have to take care of yourself, because BPD is like an incredibly powerful vacuum that will just suck you in, whoever you are." The section on setting boundaries was fascinating. We did this with our children as parents . . . and I suppose there are times in other relationships when it makes sense.
Page 209 - "The word
selfish is loathsome for most non-BPs. They gain self-worth from being needed and making sacrifices, and being called 'selfish' is the worst crime imaginable." I found this very interesting, since that is exactly the word I have been using! Besides working on my compassion (or lack thereof), I probably need to consider other conditions that I have empathy for in people who struggle. Mental illness is serious and life-altering (or sometimes life-ending).
I highly recommend this book for anyone who is dealing with a BPD person in their life. It would make sense, though, to purchase a copy and highlight the most relevant parts. There are a lot of good ideas in it.
