by Janet Jaffe, Ph.D.; Martha Ourieff Diamond, Ph.D.; and David J. Diamond, Ph.D.
Great River Regional Library via Scott County Library, paperback 261 pages
genre: non-fiction, infertility
I read this on behalf of someone I care about very much. She suggested it to help me understand what she was going through. Although I can't "relate" to infertility (pregnant one month after my wedding at age 20 . . . three healthy children by the time I was 25), I completely understand personal pain and struggle. I'm glad I read it (and am already thinking that anyone struggling with infertility would already by horrified by my personal comment about pregnancies that happened quickly and easily . . . ). I'm going to leave that as part of my post, though, because it's true. I personally did not struggle with this issue at all.
Chapter 3 - The Losses of Infertility - this chapter really helped me to understand a little bit of how huge, painful, and challenging this issue can be. It affects so many aspects of a person's life! Identity, marriage, communication, emotions, finance . . . I marked a sentence on page 58 that really stood out. "Perhaps it's because our partner is a constant reminder of our loss, but it is ironic that the very person we need the most at this time turns out to be the person that we get angry and frustrated with, and can't stand to look at anymore." This dynamic is completely understandable, yet makes me so sad!
Page 75 deals with some of the "grandparent" generation and their relationships with adult children struggling with infertility. "Even when I try to be supportive, she rebuffs me, like I'm not good enough for her." So often, these miscommunications and challenges grow instead of resolving. I'm thinking hard about my own communication and my need to be a better listener.
I tagged a point of view on page 108 that resonates strongly with me! "Rather than thinking of infertility as if you entire self is flawed (both physically and emotionally), you need to view it as a part of your physical body that is not working correctly. If Fran had a broken arm or needed to wear glasses, would she still worry that her husband would no longer love her? Of course not, but because the effects of infertility are so pervasive, it is difficult to keep perspective so we question the very essence of who we are."
Communication! Page 146 had a great analogy ' "Consider your three-year-old nephew throwing a tantrum - he's communicating, but it's hard to figure out how to soothe his frustration while he's screaming. When your husband withdraws into silence, he is communicating, but you must guess what he is trying to say - is he angry? Sad? Tired? Depressed? Just quiet?" Communication is so important, but it doesn't always come naturally!
The second paragraph on page 159 . . . is one I want someone else to read and think about. . .
Page 189 has great advice for *any* issue that you aren't comfortable talking about! "And always know that if a question arises that you aren't willing to discuss, you can simply respond, 'That's off limits' or 'I don't want to talk about that.'" I've used that tactic! I like to be completely honest, but if someone asks me something I don't want to share, I just say so! It's very liberating to maintain complete honesty while not sharing that which you prefer not to share.
I loved the way the authors laid out different options on page 212. As part of a couple's "reproductive story," they ask questions to help them figure out what to do next. Here's one example: "Is having a biological child the most important? If so, then you might be willing to relinquish your wish to conceive 'naturally' and use IUIs or IVF, if it would mean that the baby carried your and your partner's genetic selves."
The authors are all doctors, but they are also all human beings who have personally struggled with infertility. They use a lot of patient stories and examples. This is a well-written book.
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