loaned to me by my pastor, Jamie Prip
paperback 302 pages
genre: non-fiction, relationships
This book was very interesting and helpful. The family I grew up in did NOT have healthy boundaries. I've gotten a lot better about this, especially with Louie asking me key questions when I'm struggling with some things. I'm glad I read it and I marked a lot of spots!
page 31 - "In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an everpresent reality that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov. 4:23)." This came after a comparison to a fence around a physical property.
Ten Laws of Boundaries (starting on page 86):
#1 - The Law of Sowing and Reaping (cause and effect, consequences for choices)
#2 - The Law of Responsibility (loving others AND loving yourself; each person responsible for self)
#3 - The Law of Power (we have power to admit our weaknesses
#4 - The Law of Respect (respect other people's boundaries; freedom begets freedom)
#5 - The Law of Motivation (give cheerfully; freedom first and service second)
#6 - The Law of Evaluation (hurt vs. harm; weigh the cost)
#7 - The Law of Proactivity (outgrow tantrums; express frustration without regressing)
#8 - The Law of Envy (question yourself; what is it that you are lacking?)
#9 - The Law of Activity (Take the initiative and actively seek God's will)
#10 - The Law of Exposure (make your boundaries visible and communicated to others)
page 115 - in the section on dealing with myths, this one resonated for me - "If I set boundaries, I will hurt others." The idea of saying "no" even when you *can* say yes is sometimes hard for me. "Boundaries are a defensive tool. . . . Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort . . . . when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or another. . . . we have to allow others to take responsibility for their 'knapsacks' and to look elsewhere to get their needs met." Lots of good stuff in here!
page 132 - I marked this for someone in particular, but don't wish to be unkind. "An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adults, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures." As I deal with being the executor of my dad's estate and my siblings' situations, I'm not sure how to share this lesson without sounding condescending.
page 133 - This hit more buttons in the "family I grew up in" shirt. In the section subtitled "Three's a Crowd," it says "Dysfunctional families are known for a certain type of boundary problem called triangulation." The authors go on to discuss how this works, with one person talking to a second person about a third person (but not directly to that third person) about what bothers them. The lack of direct communication in the Somers family drives me crazy! I'm guilty of it, too, but trying to get better. Actually, since my dad's death, I feel like we're all getting better about it.
page 159 - in the section on feelings, this reminded me of many conversations I've had lately about my frustrations with the LaMoore family. I feel how I feel, but how am I going to respond? "Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something." I need to have a face-to-face meeting with my siblings-in-law!
page 160 - "Limits on what I can give" - this section is one I should probably scan and upload. I struggle with overtaxing myself . . . at work, at home, etc. I take on too much and then get tired, stressed, frustrated, and burned out. I need to make healthier choices. "Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits." "We are finite creatures and must give as we 'decide in our heart to give' (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point."
page 203 - "Work is a spiritual activity. In our work, we are made in the image of God, who is himself a worker, a manager, a creator, a developer, a steward, and a healer. To be a Christian is to be a co-laborer with God in the community of humanity. By giving to others we find true fulfillment. The New Testament teaches that jobs offer more than temporal fulfillment and rewards on earth. Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the work that we will do forever. With that in mind, let's look at how setting boundaries in the workplace can help us to grow spiritually."
page 205 in the section subtitled "Getting Saddled with another Person's Responsibilities," I put a post-it note with "Gaz." Let's see if I can learn / remember this! "Do not fall into the trap of justifying why you can't do his work for him. . . . . You owe no one an explanation about why you will not do something that is not your responsibility."
page 209 I marked for Ann. It's the section called "Difficult Coworkers." I think I'll just scan it and send it to her.
page 249 - Not sure why I marked this . . . unless the section on "guilt messages" triggered memories of how communication worked in the Somers household I grew up in.
page 265 - Another one I marked for Ann. "Have confidence in your ability to learn."
page 270-1 A section on Guilt . . . a powerful force which dominated much of my young life and lingers even now.
This was a very interesting book. It has given me a lot of food for thought.
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