The Let Them Theory

By: Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins

Scott County Library hardcover 299 pages plus extra stuff

Published: 2024

Genre: non-fiction, self-help / advice

This gal is on fire! I waited to get the book and couldn't renew it because there's a long list behind me. As I put lots of post-it notes in here, I thought, "Perhaps I should just buy a copy." But I prefer not to add to my possessions, so here we go!

A friend had originally recommended Mel Robbins and her books to me specifically for one of my sisters. I have now read parts of High Five and The 5 Second Rule and all of this book (though it was due back four days ago and I need to be done). Robbins and her co-author daughter have a lot of sound advice that's applicable to pretty much every person. She is really clear in saying that her advice is for adults and one needs to apply the ideas differently in parenting children.

Page 1: If you've ever been in this situation, you understand how monumental even the simplest tasks seem: getting out of bed, opening your bills, being fully present with your family, cooking a nice meal, applying for a job, going for a walk, canceling that subscription, or even just being honest about the extent to which you're struggling . . . . 

This hit me because I don't deal with these situations. Except for when I had the exhaustion related to a newborn baby, I generally have a "get 'r done!" mentality. I need to have compassion for others who are so defeated that the smallest of things (to me) seem monumental to them. 

Page 3: . . . Wait a minute, I can feel horrible and still do what I need to do? Yes, Mel, you can. And it worked.

She's referencing the five second rule, which I had read about already in that book. But her story is powerful. It makes a lot of sense to share what changed her life. The countdown of 5-4-3-2-1 and just going. Doing the thing. That was a powerful revelation.

Page 5: When I had been drowning in my problems, I felt like I was the only one who had trouble doing the things I needed to do. It's not true. We all struggle with motivation. It's a universal problem . . . 

Feeling isolated and realizing that you're not alone. People can be so funny about trying to be enough on their own.

Page 7: Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you'll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

I love this! Small, consistent things are possible for anyone. Sometimes I psych myself out of doing something because it seems too big to handle. Small, consistent changes and forward progress make a difference. I'm realizing as I start this blogging that I have done pages 1,3,5, and 7 so far. Although I have a lot of post-its in this book, they're not every odd numbered page the whole way!

Page 12: The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people.

Such a simple truth, but this book hammers over and over that YOU can only control your own reactions. When you get upset with other people, you "let them" do, say, think what they want. Then you "let me" choose how to respond. It saves a lot of anguish and stress if you adopt this mentality.

Page 18: The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

Yes. It isn't worth getting worked up over other people's choices. Adults make their own choices and have to live with the consequences.

Page 20: As I stood there in the kitchen, I allowed this fact to wash over me: time was passing, and I wished it would slow down. That's the cruel fact about time. It's going to keep passing, whether you slow down or not. The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube.

 

Yes! Time is time, but this life is short and precious. The older I get, the more I appreciate that. Yet, I still spend way too much of life watching YouTube videos and dealing with my long to-do lists . . . 

 

Page  24 holds the scene where Mel's youngest is heading to prom and he's unconcerned about the rain, the lack of a dinner reservation, etc. She is stressing out big time and her older daughter finally yells, "LET. THEM." This is her epiphany. If the teens get soaking wet, eat in a crowded taco place, etc. Just let them. It's their prom. In the ensuing pages, there are dozens of photos of people's "let them" tattoos. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but I understand how those words can help people to realize that they only control their own thoughts, words, actions, and reactions. My next post-it was reiterating that we can't control other people. (Repetition is the key to mastery.)

Page 110: When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what's right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

 

She is saying fairly simple, straightforward things, but I could constantly picture people and situations in my own life that paint the examples she shares. In the family I was raised in, we were constantly reacting so that we didn't upset someone else. Ultimately, we ended up in knots trying to control other people's feelings!

 

Page  111: Emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that just happens. It's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.

This is spot on. Some people never seem to grow up in this. My dad was very emotionally immature. In his 80s, he was still pouting and using emotional manipulation. It was pretty sad.

Page 117: I decided to just put the whole page here. Good stuff.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Page 118: And yes, I still get frustrated when I slip up. But that's the point: It's not about being perfect; it's about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow.

I love this! It's under the subheading, "But What If You're the Problem?" The idea of progress, not perfection is very helpful to me.

Page 124: It's not your job to protect everybody else from feeling emotions. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values, and what you know deep down is true for you.

Live your values. Don't feel that you need to be responsible for others' feelings. For me, I'll add strive to be a Christ follower and emulate His example.

Page 137: Psychologists will tell you that the root cause of many disorders is an obsessive need for control. . . . anytime that you try to control something that you can't, it just makes you feel more out of control and powerless.

I used to be quite the control freak. Every once in a while, Louie accuses me of trying to control things I can't and I get frustrated with him. I need to stop and ponder. Am I having a "my way or the highway moment" or just expressing my opinion on how things could go? As long as my opinions don't turn in to the expectation that others do what I want!

Page 145: "You just have to be what most people aren't: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it."

This is a Tom Brady quote, but she references other people and situations to make the point that if you want to see change, you need to "do the reps." One can't get a muscled physique quickly and without effort; lots of things in life are like that. Be consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.

Page 170: It's easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself.

Ooh . . . this made me think of some people. I need to be careful about offering help to certain people. If they don't like how things turn out, I become the bad guy. No thanks.

Page 181: The warmth you offer others always finds its way back to you.

I like this! With all the negative things in our world, country, media, etc., I love to focus on kindness and being a blessing. This also makes me think of Lou saying, "The more smiles I give away, the more I get back!"

Page 182-3: She's talking about making friends as an adult. This is not something I struggle with, but I like her advice!

1. Compliment people everywhere you go.

2. Be curious.

3. Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet.

4. Do this without expectation.

This really goes back to her earlier advice about offering warmth. I'd much rather focus on being kind than on myself.

Page 191: The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn't matter how much you want someone to change. It doesn't matter how valid your reasons are. Or that you are right in your opinion that they should change. Or how big the consequences are if they don't change. If someone doesn't feel like changing, they won't.

 

Again, she really hammers home some messages but I think we forget. We want something for a person and we see how much it could improve their life, but we need to remember that change needs to be personally motivated and driven.

Page 195: The fact is, change is hard for everyone, including you. No one wants to feel pressure from you, because they are already feeling it from themselves.

 

Good point. There are some things I want to change (like going to bed in a timely fashion and not getting sleep-deprived, being a better listener,  . . . ) but it's hard to change habits.

Page 196: Change is never a cakewalk. If it were fun and easy, the person you love would already be doing it.

 

This made me smile. Duh. If change were easy, it could happen quickly.

Page 211: The best way to do this is to come prepared to listen to the other person wholeheartedly without interrupting them.

She's talking about the ABC Loop (Apologize and Ask open-ended questions, Back off and observe their Behavior, Celebrate progress while you continue to model the Change.)  I'm too quick to talk, to chime in with my ideas, and really slow to truly listen to what others have to say.

Page 226: As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing, or health more than they do.

So true! It's hard to let go when you care deeply about them, though.

Page 228: The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn't mean solving their problems for them - it means giving them the space, support, and tools to do it themselves.

 

Giving someone space, support, and tools instead of jumping in to "save the day" - radical.

Page 229: You can't want somebody's sobriety or their healing or their financial freedom or their ambition or their happiness more than they do.

 

Again, repetition helps get the message across. You can't fix things for other people; they have to decide they want it.

Page 235: Look at people's struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths.

 

This was an interesting take. Trust people enough to encourage them and build them up as they work toward solving their problems.

Page 244: You can create an environment for positive change by offering therapy, cooking healthy meals, or having conversations, and focusing on open-ended questions.

 

I like that she offers specific suggestions other than giving people money in helping them out.