Before All Is Said and Done: Practical Advice on Living and Dying Well

By: Pat Miles and Suzanne Watson

Ann's copy paperback 201 pages (including acknowledgments, about the authors, and resources)

Published: 2022

Genre: Non-fiction, end of life, advice

When my sister loaned me this book, I thought it would primarily have to do with grieving. It includes that and so much more! Here are the chapter titles:

Going Through Hell

Don't Die Before You're Ready

Why Do I Feel So Poor?

Dad Never Told Us That

Saving the Long Goodbye

Stung By Sudden Death

Missing Out on Funerals and Hugs

Surviving the Ultimate Sacrifice

Don't Drink and Grieve

Easing the Transition

Just Breathe

Building a New Beginning

The authors mix personal stories, interviews with professionals, and observations from others grieving to make a very accessible and important book. The one thing I think is important is for people to read this before they are in crisis mode. It's hard to think clearly when you're struggling with loss. In fact, that's the main reason Pat Miles authored this. Her husband's death threw her life into a place for which she was completely unprepared.

Page 24: Lessons Learned about the Fog of Grief

• Expect to feel numb after the loss of a partner.
• Don't make any big decisions for a year.
• Grieve in your own way; don't linger, but don't rush through it.
• Learn the difference between grief and depression.
• Engage a professional to help guide you through the grief process.
• Find support through family, friends, and/or community news.
• Surrender sooner and face the new reality.
• Find something meaningful in each day.
• Be creative and find your new identity.
   

Each chapter ends with a recap of that chapter's main points. This was such a succinct list that I decided to just replicate it here. The writing within the chapter is more eloquent, but this sums it up.

Page 33: She encourages clients to make a list of their accounts and include information on where to find key documents. She suggests that couples itemize their financial assets and next to every item, write down how it is titled and then have a column about how that asset will transfer upon death.

Here the authors have interviewed a professional ("she" is Maggie Green) who helps with estate planning. Doing this has been on my priority list for too long! We really, really need to get our ducks in a row. The above advice is to be in addition to the actual estate documents.

Page 42: Lessons Learned about Estate Planning

• Have estate plan discussions and legal documents drawn up while both partners are alive and of sound mind. Ask questions of the professionals you work with until you are satisfied you understand them.
• Choose an estate attorney who can be a trusted advisor. If you don't know of one, ask friends for recommendations.
• Designate a family member as your successor trustee.
• Designate one person on your advance health care directive.
• Designate multiple people on your financial documents.
• Make a list of financial accountes and personal items, including where they can be found and who is to inherit what.
• Business owners should have documents that clearly spell out what should happen to the business upon their death.

Halfway through typing all that, I wondered why . . . I must have thought I would capture all the chapter summations for blogging. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel a need to save all that info. Ah well.

 

Page  56: He noted that intention letters are unlike other estate planning documents in that they are not legally binding documents, but rather a personal expression of beliefs and wishes. 

The "he" is Andrew, a financial advisor. I like the idea of an intention letter to explain the decision-making. As I have sometimes wrestled with how to best plan for the distribution of our assets upon our deaths, I think the reasoning behind the decision-making could be helpful for our family. I think back to my dad talking about being "fair," and me getting upset with how he determined that. . .

Page 68: I learned through this friend, and other friends similarly affected by a dementia diagnosis of their spouse, that it brings with it life-altering challenges that include emotional devastation, financial and legal custodianship, caregiving, and worst of all, a loss of hope. Their stresses usually start well before their spouse's deaths; they lose companionship, a social life, and emotional support while their spouse is still alive.

This is so heart-breaking! It makes me wonder if there are people I know who are currently living this struggle. How can I support and encourage them?

Page 78: He stresses to all caregivers that they will be a better partner or caregiver if they also think about their own well-being.

Dr. Petersen is advising that caregivers take breaks to avoid burnout. Being a dedicated caregiver to a loved one shouldn't mean your life is over. It's interesting how some people can almost kill themselves taking care of someone else and others just walk away and say, "not my problem." People are different! I remember working in a nursing home as a teenager. Some residents never seemed to have any visitors at all.

Page 103: "I used to be a people pleaser," she said, "but I am so over that now."

This woman lost her husband to suicide. Besides all the grieving, people treated her differently. She decided to "not waste her time with people whose company she does not enjoy." I think it's important to value yourself enough to avoid spending time with people who drag you down.

Page 110: Trauma and grief are two different animals, and both deserve the proper support.

I think this is an important distinction. Some of the people interviewed for this book were not just struggling with grief, but with a traumatic event as well (such as a sudden death). Having time to say goodbye makes a world of difference.

Page 134: She reflects that no matter when you lose someone, nine days, nine years, or ninety years, it is never evnough time when it comes to someone we love.

Loss is loss. Different people deal with losses differently. There is no "normal" way to grieve. Time is precious. Life is short.

Page 136: Taryn said, "There is an adage, 'Comparison is the thief of joy,' and when you are newly widowed, there is very little joy."

This was from a YouTube clip made by Taryn Davis, the founder of American Widow Project. What an amazing woman, to turn her pain and sorrow into an organization that reaches out to other women in similar situations. Comparison as the theif of joy is a phrase I've heard in other contexts, but I really appreciated the different stories the authors included.

Page 152: Lessons Learned About Widowhood and Substance Abuse

• Acknowledging past and present grieving is an important part of substance abuse recovery.
• Alcohol and drugs can mask who the person really is - both mentally and physically.
• Widows who abuse either alcohol or drugs often make bad choices, which can lead to a downward spiral of their life.
• The underlying problems associated with widowhood cannot be addressed until the person is sober.
• Alcoholics cannot live with resentment; it is important to find gratitude in something each day, no matter how small it is.

 

Again, I'm not sure why I put a post-it note here. I've let too much time elapse between reading the book and blogging about it. It's possible I thought of someone else while I was reading. I found it interesting that my sister replaced "alcoholics" in the last bullet point with "anyone." True story! Living with gratitude instead of resentment makes a world of difference!

Page 157: Jason said his experience of using a death doula has changed his feelings about death. After sessions with Donna, he now embraces the fact that death is coming to all of us, and that it is a natural part of life, just like being born. He has experienced firsthand the peace that can be reaches with the help of a doula.

It would be easy to say, "Duh! Of course we will all die. It's part of life." But for people who do not have this perspective or have a huge fear of death, it's nice to have someone to help them deal with it. Again, I like how the authors interviewed regular people and professionals about these different topics. I'd not heard of a death doula before!

Page 159: She said the amount of money made off someone dying is staggering - taxes, funeral homes, burial expenses. She advises that it is important for us to treat our decisinos about funeral and burial plans the same way we do any major decisions we make throughout our life. . . . She summed up our discussion by saying, "We are consumers in life, and we should be consumers in death."

 

It seems morbid to talk about the death industry, but that's really what it is. It's crazy how expensive it can all get and how unnecessary a lot of it is!

 

Page 186: The Rudolph's Bluebird Houses page soon caught the attention of the people at Facebook. 

 

I had to look this one up! Ron Rudolph is a Minnesota man who lost his wife Pat and started having anxiety attacks.

 

Page 186 (earlier): Sleep was elusive, so at two o'clock in the morning, he got out of bed. It was a freezing January night in Minnesota; nevertheless, Ron dressed and headed outside to his workshop.

He walked in the door, flipped on the lights, and his eyes landed on a bluebird house hanging on the wall. Pat had loved watching bluebirds, so Ron had built bluebird houses for her and placed them around the yard. That night he decided the best way to relieve his anxiety was to build more birdhouses. He started sawing pieces of wood and assembling them. By the time the sun came that morning, Ron had crafted eight birdhouses.

His anxiety attacks led to a successful business! I love his story, other than the part about him being devastated at the loss of his wife. I love that his daughter helped him. Just skimming his story again now, I'm tearing up. Yes, it can be harder for men than women to talk about their feelings.

Page 192: I have written an intention letter and I have documented where and to whom I want my personal possessions to go. This has given me some peace of mind.

Again, this is super high on my priority list! I want to get our documents done and our intentions clear and communicate all to our sons. Will we do it yet in 2025? I just don't know. This book is definitely worth reading.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle

By: Beverly Cleary

Libby audiobook 2 hours

Read by: B.D. Wong

Published 1965 (this version 2007)

Genre: Children's fantasy

I had originally requested this to listen to with my grandson. After letting someone else on hold have it first, I decided to just listen to it myself. It has been more than four decades since I last read this book! (Unless I read it to my sons? That would have been about three decades ago.)

For the most part, I enjoyed revisiting this story. The two things that I didn't like were the dated references and the vocalization for Ralph.

Written in 1965 (before I was born!), Cleary used things like telephones with wires to the ground and a television set in a big wooden box up on legs which were common at that point in history. They aren't things that young readers experience nowadays.

That wasn't a big deal, but the reader made Ralph sound like a completely rude jerk. His interpretation didn't make me like the little mouse at all. That's too bad, because I have fond memories of these stories from my own childhood.

I think what probably appealed to me the most was a little mouse being able to drive a motorcycle by making vrmm noises to go! Also, there is the question of doing the right thing, keeping your word, and maturing. 

 

I have to edit this to add that there was random music between chapters seven and eight. Why? I have no idea. Basically, this audiobook bugged me.

I'm glad I listened to it alone. Now I can just read it to my grandson! (When I get to spend time with him.)

Until Unity

By: Francis Chan

Libby ebook, 8 chapters plus intro, conclusion, notes, Scripture index, and acknowledgments

Published: 2021

Genre: Non-fiction, theology, Christian faith

Chan's writing always does that excellent mix of encouraging AND challenging me. I didn't realize this was published four years ago! It is a powerful book and I found myself thinking many times, "Should I just buy a copy and mark it up and share it?" But I am really, really trying to decrease my possessions and my expenses. So I'll jump into the many places I highlighted and just say that I highly recommend this title.

Introduction: There is nothing you have to do today that is more important than worshipping Him.

Yes! And even when I *know* this, I too often rush into my day and/or make my "to-do" list of things. I want to be better about taking time each morning to praise Him and be quiet before Him. (Blogger is telling me there's only one "p" in "worshiping," but I quoted from the book accurately. I just didn't want to use "sic.")

Introduction: Fill your heart with worship and keep it filled.

 

He uses so many Scriptures to make his points! At times, I thought about just reading my Bible instead of spending my time reading Chan's book. But his writing makes me dig deeper and think more critically about issues. I love that he is basing his teachings on what he finds in God's Word. Worship is not just pleasant to do; it is vital for keeping our souls filled and connected to God.

 

Introduction: It would look like my family screaming frantically at each other while walking through an orphanage to meet kids wanting adoption. There is a reason people aren't anxious to join our family. What picture of God are we showing to the world?

In talking about unity and how Christians must look to outsiders, he makes this apt analogy. Chan references the many different denominations and their often negative jabs at one another. This is not a good representation of the body of Christ.

Introduction: The world currently hates us not because we resemble Jesus but because we don't.

Ouch. I think he's on the mark here. If Christians behaved and spoke more like Jesus Christ, they would hate us for different reasons. But I cringe at how many non-believers think that Christians are cruel, hateful, hypocrites.

Introduction: Most of us would say that we would do anything to see our loved ones know Jesus. Are you willing to make a serious effort toward unity? 

This made me think of something Chaplain Michael has said at church. How much do we mean that we would do "anything" to see our loved ones know Jesus. Throughout this book, Chan challenges the reader to stop reading and pray, or dig into God's Word. This was part of the reason I thought about buying a copy - so I could go slowly, contemplate, re-read passages.

Introduction: Why do words come out of your mouth that sound unkind, ungentle, unloving? Jesus says the problem is not your mouth but your heart (Matt. 12:34). 

 

I highlighted this so that I would look up Matthew 12:34 ("You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.")  I decided to keep it in as I'm blogging because I often struggle with my mouth - talking too much, saying unkind things, etc. I want the Lord to cleanse my heart and purify me. I want Him to replace my heart of stone with a heart filled with love.

Introduction: Yet Jesus said that love for God and love for our neighbor are literally the most important things (Mark 12:28-31). There is a hope for unity, but until you are willing to accept the simplicity of it, we will continue to divide.

Love God and love people. How easy it sounds! Yet it is what Jesus told us to do.

Introduction: Humility and repentance always lead to life and grace. It could be that repenting of our pride will lead to a vibrant love relationship with God and others, resulting in a fullness of life that we've never tasted.

This is one of those passages I want to savor, turning it over in my mind and praying about my own life and choices. Humility and repentance.

Chapter 1 (It's What the Trinity Wants): We can't allow our souls to become indifferent or calloused to the evil around us.

The idea that God grieves over our sin and we should strive to be like Him, grieving over sin also . . . pushes me away from complacency. I think I sometimes have to work to not care so deeply that I am worried or anxious. But I cannot let the pendulum swing to the point where I'm in my happy little bubble, ignoring the darkness and suffering in the world around me.

Chapter 1: God, help us feel what You feel. Align our desires with Yours.

I love that he ends the chapter with this prayer! Yes, help me to align my desires with Yours, oh Lord.

Chapter 2 (It's What You Want): Praise God for His finished work on the cross!

Christ died so that I might live. Although I need to "work out my salvation," I am already saved. Praise God! There is so much more in this paragraph that I could blog, but please just read the book.

Chapter 2: I'll say it again: lukewarm people are not Christian! This isn't me saying this. Read Revelation 3. Again, this is why Christ is knocking on the door. He's asking you to let Him in because He's not in you yet! . . . There are still far too many people on the earth who genuinely believe they can be saved by Christ's atoning death without following Him as their Lord. 

This is one of those places when the holiness of God and the power of His Word makes me stop and consider my own sometimes-cavalier acceptance of His grace, mercy, and love. I do not want to become lukewarm! 

Chapter 2: If you have experienced the life-changing love of Jesus, you will be overflowing with love for God and others. It's that simple.

Boom! Jesus has changed me. Praise God He has changed me! Praise God that the Lord fills me up with His love. I want to overflow.

Chapter 2: The true believer must acknowledge Jesus as Lord.

Chan is talking about the truth that some people are willing to accept Jesus as savior, but don't necessarily want Him to be in control of their life. We don't get to stay in charge of ourselves when we submit to the Lord.

Chapter 3 (It's What the World Needs): We get more emotional over Christians leaving to go to a different church than we do about people dying and going to Hell.

I'm not sure I agree with this statement, but I completely understand its heart. We should be concerned about people's souls and sharing the gospel with them, more than we fuss over people who have left our body of believers at our local church.

Chapter 3: There is no danger greater than an eternity apart from God. We need God to revive our concern for the destiny of unbelievers.

Yes, Lord. Please revive my concern for the destiny of unbelievers, especially for those I love and want to see again in Heaven.

Chapter 3: The lesson of this story is that no matter how good or logical it seems, it is never appropriate to modify God's commands in light of human reasoning. At the root of that kind of behavior is pride, thinking that somehow in our wisdom we have considered something God neglected to notice. God treats this presumption as idolatry.

He's referring to the story in 1 Samuel when Saul is told to destroy all the livestock of the Amalekites. Instead, he selects some of the best animals to sacrifice to God. I can 100% see why Saul thought it was a good idea to do this! He wanted to give the best to God! Except, that's not what God told him to do . . . I struggle with obedience, too.

Chapter 3: But now that you can clearly see in Jesus' prayer that deep unity among His followers is Jesus' plan for bringing the world to see Him, I hope your motivation is through the roof!

I'm not really sure why I highlighted this, but it is causing me to go back to the surrounding paragraphs. If we as believers take seriously Jesus' prayer for unity, we could see people come to salvation and eternal life. It's worth it!

Chapter 3: A common mission brings oneness.

Chan makes a great analogy with marriage. If spouses have a common focus and goal, they will be unified. Minor squabbles fall away and don't become acrimonious because the partners want to achieve the same thing. Scripture tells us that Jesus wants us to be one, just as He and the Father are one.

Chapter 4 (It Starts with Repentance): The truth is that God probably communicates in a mode that I can barely fathom.

It's always ironic when we try to place God in a box that fits our own limitations . . . Scripture tells us that His ways are not our ways. We have ideas about who / what God is, but we really cannot fathom Him.

Chapter 4: Rather than fighting for followers or individual glory, the early church prioritized His unified Bride. 

This section makes me want to do more research and study about the early church, but I'm not a theologian and I don't want to be.

Chapter 4: When we hear stories of how Christ works in others, it makes us want to praise Him even more. It's a sanctified snowball effect. There should be no end to the things in Christ that we can boast about.

I love hearing people's testimonies! I love hearing others praise and glorify God!

Chapter 5 (It Comes with Maturity): Acquiring knowledge without using it in love for others leads to a pride that takes you further from Christ.

Ooh! This makes me think of Pastor Jamie talking about the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Thank you, Lord, that You are helping me grow in wisdom!

Chapter 5: Love is supposed to be the point of church!

I love his avocado on burrito analogy. Some people see community and discipleship as "extras" or "add-ons" if you like it rather than as essential parts of the Christian life.

Chapter 6 (It Survives with Love): Instead of improving our speech and nuancing, we need to beg for a change of heart.

Chan talks about the futility of preaching about love if love is absent in reality. This made me think of the scene in Young Sheldon where Sheldon goes into the sanctuary and points out the hypocrisy of talking about love and then being unloving toward his family. Ouch.

Chapter 6: Imagine walking into a room where there wasn't a single person thinking of himself or herself, including you. In humility, they all considered others more important than themselves.

He goes on to describe this "dream" of a place where people are overwhelmed by God's love. It sounds heavenly.

Chapter 7 (It Requires a Fight): We need to confront with caution because we don't have the same discernment as Jesus.

Amen to that! We're so ready to spout our opinions and thoughts on any topic (me included!) that sometimes we fail to exercise caution and discernment. I need You, Lord.

Chapter 7: Could things have been different if the church really became a group that exuded supernatural love?

As Chan was raising questions in this chapter, I thought about my own struggle with what to say, how to say it, and regret over missed opportunities. Three times, I've spent time with someone who was likely close to eternity and I've not shared the gospel the way I feel I should have. I don't know if Nan, Mara, and Chris are in Heaven or not. I know it's not my job to "save" people; conviction is up to the Holy Spirit. But I definitely should pray for His wisdom and courage to share salvation with people who I am confident will soon face Him. I cannot go back in time, but I don't want to continue to be cowardly about sharing my faith.

Chapter 7: Remember that His commands lead to life. It's always easier to remain angry, but obedience leads to greater life.

A lot of this chapter really digs in to theology. There were several times I thought about giving this book to pastors I know. But I love that even in wrestling with what Scripture says about everything from salvation to sanctification, the upshot is that God leads us to life. Abundant life and Life Eternal.

 

Chapter 7:  

First, don't overreact.

Second, remember your own failures.

Third, never stop loving.

Fourth, don't pay too much attention to the wrong things.

Fifth, don't quit.

Sixth, turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Seventh, believe that it does get easier.

 

I have a lot of notes for this chapter! I really liked these points that he was making and I feel he is directing specifically toward pastors. It can be disheartening to deal with these big theological divides. A lot of people struggle with denominations and the divisiveness of this world. He shares some pretty relevant stories.

 

Chapter 7:  All I'm asking you to do is keep a few things in mind as you continue fighting for the things God has placed in your heart.

This was in a section called "Why Don't They Care Like I Do?" This is key! Not every Christian has the same burden on their heart. God speaks to each of us differently. It can be overwhelming to care passionately about starving people, trafficking, abortion, etc. There simply isn't enough time and energy to devote to all the things that God cares about! We need to listen for His direction for our life.

Chapter 7: We would all prioritize these differently. That's my point.

He has reviewed some of the "fights" that Christians have: for the unsaved, for widows and orphans, for the unborn, etc. This section is really powerful. It's not a question of "which" of these fights is more important, but rather what is God laying on each person's heart? We each need to seek God's will and direction for our own life.

Chapter 7: We can't afford to discourage the passion of fellow believers. We are called to "stir up one another to love and good works" (Hebrews 10:24). So let's continue to lovingly challenge each other to greater depths of empathy and sacrifice.

I love this! I don't have to care as passionately about another believer's "cause," but I can encourage them and support them.

Chapter 7: It's just that we will never all care equally. And unlike God, we only have so much capacity to take on action.

Amen! I need to trust and obey and know that I cannot do anything without the Lord Jesus guiding and directing me. It's okay that I am passionate about different things than other believers. I need to be passionate about what God is speaking to my heart.

Chapter 7: But there is something so beautiful and powerful about a group of incredibly diverse people uniting under a common banner. It shows the world that our common obsession with the worth of our King is more powerful than any social, political, culture, or economic divide. It shows them a picture of Heaven.

Praising and glorifying God is more important than trying to prove our own point.

Chapter 7: It's impossible to be unified by yourself.

I love being part of a church family. God designed us for fellowship with Him and with one another. It can be challenging and frustrating to work with other people, but we are not designed to do life in isolation.

Chapter 8 (It Must Start Small): Learn what it means to abide in the Father, because apart form Him you will not bear fruit (John 15:4-5). Ask Him to help you see the people around you through His eyes.

Part of the reason I highlighted this is that "abide" is my One Word for 2025-26. I love this sentiment and reminder for my own life.

Chapter 8: God didn't call us to neutrality. He wants every word to be spoken in love.

 

This is something to ponder. The "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is pretty non-confrontational. But sometimes we need to confront people or situations that are outside of God's will. Doing so in love (rather than anger, self-righteousness, etc.) is key. God doesn't want us to be lukewarm! He rejects us if we are lukewarm.

Chapter 8: Christians in the United States spend far more time criticizing others than sharing the gospel.

 

Ouch, but too true. Criticism seems to be what everyone is doing, not just Christians. But we should be known by our love.  (John 13:35).

Chapter 8: My prayer in writing this book has been that we as a church could come to our senses and see all of the division and infighting as something contrary to God's design.

 

Reading this book is a good start for me. Divisiveness has intensified in our country over the last decade (IMO) and as Christians, we should stand for unity and God's truth.

Chapter 8: But I believe the Spirit of God can unite us in ways that are supernatural.

 

Praise God! He can do in us and through us that which we cannot achieve in our own strength.

Chapter 8: When we begin to see one another conforming our actions and lifestyles to those of Jesus and the early church, we will be more prone to unite.

 

Be more like Jesus. It will make a difference in this world.

The Uncool

By: Cameron Crowe

Libby audiobook 9 hours

Read by the author

Published: 2025

Genre: Memoir

Wow! I had heard part of an interview on the radio and requested the movie Almost Famous as well as this audiobook. We enjoyed watching the movie together and now I've been able to hear the author's story firsthand. Wild!

I wasn't aware of Cameron Crowe but am now fascinated! He started writing for Rolling Stone magazine as a teenager. He met and interviewed some phenomenally huge stars before he even turned 21. Then he went on to write Fast Times at Ridgemont High (which I may need to re-watch, as it's been more than a few decades . . . ). He wrote and directed other movies with which I'm familiar. Wild how much this man has done and I didn't really know who he was.

It was fun to hear his story and recognize how pieces of his memoir made it into the movie . . . the Stillwater band in the movie was an amalgam of The Allman Brothers and other groups he toured with. It still blows my mind that they welcomed him in to their backstage world and their hotel rooms. His mom is a pretty important character in both his memoir and the movie. His oldest sister didn't make it into the movie and the info about her life was heart-rending.

This is well-written and a delight to listen to, even though I'm not a huge music person.

A Single Thread

By: Marie Bostwick

Libby audiobook 12 hours

Read by:  Pam Ward and Lorna Raver

Published: 2008 (this version 2010)

Genre: realistic fiction

A fellow quilter highly recommended this series. There were aspects of it I enjoyed (especially the quilting!) but overall it bugged me and I ended up speeding it up to finish it quicker.

I took time while parked to jot a few quotations.

Chapter 14: "Cancer or no, life marches on." - Evelyn

Chapter 20: "I suppose everyone feels happier when they have somewhere to go and something to do." - Abigail

I appreciated Evelyn's observation on real Christmas trees vs. fake ones. (Even fake ones drop "needles" that need to be cleaned up. And they definitely don't smell as nice.)

I hated Evelyn lying to Mary Dell about late January and her double mastectomy. It really bothered me that she wasn't honest with any of her closest friends or her son until she was basically backed up against a wall. Grr!

The two main characters are Evelyn Dixon, 50ish and newly divorced (Her husband wanted a younger, more fun wife.) and Abigail Burgess Wynn (rich socialite who keeps people at arm's length). The vocal work on both was frustrating! Abigail is 62, but sounds like she's 82. She also sounded like a complete B-I-*-*-*. So many of the plot points were just stupid. 

 

The whole foray into breast cancer was well done. I found myself thinking of a dear friend that I should reconnect with who is on the other side of that battle.

Overall, the story was just okay. I think I might have enjoyed it slightly more if I'd read it in print. Oh! The other irritating part was how Abigail and her long-time friend and lawyer are romantically dating at the end. Evelyn and Charlie are more than just friends. Evelyn's son and Liza have sparks flying. Poor Margot is the only one without a beau. 

I won't be getting book two in the series .  . .

How to Train Your Dragon

By: Cressida Cowell

Libby audiobook 4 hours

Read by: Gerard Doyle

Published: 2003 (this version 2011)

Genre: Children's fantasy

This audiobook is in high demand! I waited for it so I could listen with Joshua, but ended up listening to it all day Sunday when I stayed home sick. It was more fun than I expected. I played it from the beginning for Joshua when he was in my car for a half hour yesterday, but I think I'll return it. He enjoyed it and wanted to hear more, but we don't spend as much time hanging out together as we used to . . . It's due before Thanksgiving and there's a long waiting list for it. Perhaps I'll just buy the print book for him.

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III is the protagonist (and the theoretical "author" of this "true" history) and the son of Chief Stoic the Vast, chief of the Hairy Hooligans tribe. Other characters include Snotface Snotlout, Fishlegs, and Gobber the Belch.

I enjoyed listening to it but it's been a few weeks since I started this (11.11 to 11.26 . . . ) so I'll just publish this much. It was silly but fun. I've requested book two in the series.

The English Masterpiece

By: Katherine Reay

Scott County Library paperback 277 pages plus author's notes, etc.

Published: 2025

Genre: historical fiction

Book club meets tomorrow and I've read the book! Now it's time to blog my notes . . . and there are lots of them. I've really enjoyed Reay's books in the past but this one wasn't a favorite for me. 

 

Lily is an aspiring artist working at the Tate Gallery in London in 1973. Her supervisor, Diana, has been her role model and a driving force in her life. In one fateful moment at an opening of a Picasso exhibit, Lily blurts out a statement that sends her life into a wild frenzy. Mixed in with all this is a fraught family dynamic and a little dash of romance.

 

Page 24: "Can't I just take it back?" . . . And no, whatever one says or does cannot be taken back. Some things can never be taken back.

 

As someone who often blurts without thinking, this made me cringe. One of my favorite (or at least oft-said) verses is "Set a guard over my mouth oh Lord;  keep watch over the door of my lips" from Psalm 141:3. Hurtful or stupid things cannot be unsaid.

Page 28: "Words are powerful things."

I liked the security guard Archie. He and Padraic the janitor at the school were wonderful characters. Here Lily is surprised that the gallery is empty and everyone has gone because of her comment.

Page 34: My sister is ten years older than I am, and we always seem to scrape against each other rather than slide along. She makes me feel juvenile, silly, and frivolous. She says I make her feel clumsy, irrelevant, and useless.

Ah, siblings. It can be difficult to find a good space to appreciate one another and enjoy one another's company. I'm thankful that I get along well with my siblings. So often, family members discount the youngest child because they are older and theoretically wiser. The friction between Lily and Daisy shouldn't have gone on so long! I like the author's word choice in describing scraping rather than sliding.

Page 36: Her words don't help, but they do broaden my perspective from the personal to the universal.

Sometimes we get so focused on our own situation that we forget to take a step back and consider the bigger picture. Here, Lily is thinking about the rest of the family and the economy because of Daisy's words. My strategy if I'm wrestling with something is to say, "In the grand scheme of eternity . . . " because most of the things I fuss about really don't matter in an eternal sense. Again, I like the author's use of "broaden my perspective from the personal to the universal."

Page 54: That day I wandered in and out of the empty classrooms, the half-full studios with stressed students deep into their term-end assignments, and I fell in love. It wasn't just being near art, like one can be when standing in a museum or a gallery; it was being close to the energy of its creation. The messiness, the intimacy, the grandeur, and the soul involved in making art. I sensed both the acumen and ability of those students as surely as I understood their vulnerability and desperation, their rawness and even their heartbreak. They were living Picassos - their souls splayed two-dimensionally across what they strove to create."

This didn't necessarily "speak" to me on a deep level, but I could imagine the intensity and love the idea of being "close to the energy." I think, too, of the passion of teenagers and young adults. There is something about youth that speaks of vibrancy.

Page 56: "You're hiding here in your painting. You've copied others long enough. Freedom takes courage."

Paddy is giving Lily advice and encouraging her to move forward. She grabs hold of that last comment and starts to process her life and her goals. It makes sense that she copied the masters to learn more about painting and different techniques, but that's all she's been doing.

Page 70: Here the memory grows technicolor vivid, but maybe that's because I've replayed it in my head so many times I've created it rather than actually recall it. Yet that's art - perception and reality merging in a new form.

Lily is thinking of the childhood incident that led to her choking, her mother driving her to emergency, the car accident, . . . I have a "memory" of leading my Grandpa Pahl to the pantry to get a cookie from the cookie jar. There's even a photo! But do I actually remember it, or has the story been told to me so many times that I recall a story instead of the actual event?

Page 132: When does growth end and mere copying, forging, and even dying begin?

Lily is contemplating her art and her life. Right after this, she runs into Conor (the American insurance investigator) and then they run into Pierce Brosnan. Later in the Author's Notes, Reay writes,

 ". . . I learned that Brosnan actually attended St. Martin's School and studied art around the same time I had my fictional Lily working there.

Well, that set off my imagination and I wonder if a moment within this story might not have led to that brilliant scene in his later movie - . . . . There you go - that is how Pierce Brosnan ended up in this novel. And if he ever reads it, I hope he thoroughly enjoys his brief shining role."

Page 136: I say art is love, but it's also risk. I don't see love in my work, and I definitely don't see any risk. I can't take risks. Financially or otherwise. Needs always outweigh wants.

Lily is right in that needs outweigh wants. But she isn't being a very creative problem solver, either. She spends a lot of time contemplating her art and her life in this story, but there's plenty of action to keep the story moving along.

Page 169: I have no control. I never did.

It takes her long enough to get here! 

Page 170: That's what I would chase - if I had the time, the ability, and the talent. Not expressionism or surrealism. I want to see without subterfuge and distortion. I want truth.

It's nice that she wants to paint truth. I've learned more about different art movements subbing in Sarah's art class than elsewhere . . . 

Page 180 holds the back story to her older siblings and their experience during WWII with Operation Pied Piper. It seemed as though the whole back story / family history was a bit disjointed. Fascinating, but not very clear.

Page 188: He nods to the teakettle, which begins to hiss. He waits as she takes it off the stove and pours water through the strainer into the cup. Tension builds within her. He is waiting for some purpose. She can feel it. His timing always plays to his advantage.

The relationship between Diana and her much older husband Heinrich was downright creepy. He groomed her and manipulated her. They were both quite twisted.

Page 225: Heinrich smiles, something long, slow, menacing. "Pride and greed are powerful vices. Ubiquitous too. Plenty of the disreputable and greedy are in New York."

Again, Heinrich was a creep and sneaky. I thought his observation about pride and greed were apropos.

Page 230: "When did you need to apologize for an accident that happened twenty-two years ago? You took that all on yourself. That's pride, my girl, not humility."

Lily's mom finally has the talk with her she ought to have had many years earlier! How did they let that much dysfunction foster?

In chapter 30, Lily goes to Diana's house to confront her. I was thinking, "Are you kidding me? That's the worst place you can go." I understand why the author had that happen. It's certainly an interesting part of the book. This book was interesting but not fantastic.

The Let Them Theory

By: Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins

Scott County Library hardcover 299 pages plus extra stuff

Published: 2024

Genre: non-fiction, self-help / advice

This gal is on fire! I waited to get the book and couldn't renew it because there's a long list behind me. As I put lots of post-it notes in here, I thought, "Perhaps I should just buy a copy." But I prefer not to add to my possessions, so here we go!

A friend had originally recommended Mel Robbins and her books to me specifically for one of my sisters. I have now read parts of High Five and The 5 Second Rule and all of this book (though it was due back four days ago and I need to be done). Robbins and her co-author daughter have a lot of sound advice that's applicable to pretty much every person. She is really clear in saying that her advice is for adults and one needs to apply the ideas differently in parenting children.

Page 1: If you've ever been in this situation, you understand how monumental even the simplest tasks seem: getting out of bed, opening your bills, being fully present with your family, cooking a nice meal, applying for a job, going for a walk, canceling that subscription, or even just being honest about the extent to which you're struggling . . . . 

This hit me because I don't deal with these situations. Except for when I had the exhaustion related to a newborn baby, I generally have a "get 'r done!" mentality. I need to have compassion for others who are so defeated that the smallest of things (to me) seem monumental to them. 

Page 3: . . . Wait a minute, I can feel horrible and still do what I need to do? Yes, Mel, you can. And it worked.

She's referencing the five second rule, which I had read about already in that book. But her story is powerful. It makes a lot of sense to share what changed her life. The countdown of 5-4-3-2-1 and just going. Doing the thing. That was a powerful revelation.

Page 5: When I had been drowning in my problems, I felt like I was the only one who had trouble doing the things I needed to do. It's not true. We all struggle with motivation. It's a universal problem . . . 

Feeling isolated and realizing that you're not alone. People can be so funny about trying to be enough on their own.

Page 7: Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you'll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

I love this! Small, consistent things are possible for anyone. Sometimes I psych myself out of doing something because it seems too big to handle. Small, consistent changes and forward progress make a difference. I'm realizing as I start this blogging that I have done pages 1,3,5, and 7 so far. Although I have a lot of post-its in this book, they're not every odd numbered page the whole way!

Page 12: The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people.

Such a simple truth, but this book hammers over and over that YOU can only control your own reactions. When you get upset with other people, you "let them" do, say, think what they want. Then you "let me" choose how to respond. It saves a lot of anguish and stress if you adopt this mentality.

Page 18: The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

Yes. It isn't worth getting worked up over other people's choices. Adults make their own choices and have to live with the consequences.

Page 20: As I stood there in the kitchen, I allowed this fact to wash over me: time was passing, and I wished it would slow down. That's the cruel fact about time. It's going to keep passing, whether you slow down or not. The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube.

 

Yes! Time is time, but this life is short and precious. The older I get, the more I appreciate that. Yet, I still spend way too much of life watching YouTube videos and dealing with my long to-do lists . . . 

 

Page  24 holds the scene where Mel's youngest is heading to prom and he's unconcerned about the rain, the lack of a dinner reservation, etc. She is stressing out big time and her older daughter finally yells, "LET. THEM." This is her epiphany. If the teens get soaking wet, eat in a crowded taco place, etc. Just let them. It's their prom. In the ensuing pages, there are dozens of photos of people's "let them" tattoos. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but I understand how those words can help people to realize that they only control their own thoughts, words, actions, and reactions. My next post-it was reiterating that we can't control other people. (Repetition is the key to mastery.)

Page 110: When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what's right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

 

She is saying fairly simple, straightforward things, but I could constantly picture people and situations in my own life that paint the examples she shares. In the family I was raised in, we were constantly reacting so that we didn't upset someone else. Ultimately, we ended up in knots trying to control other people's feelings!

 

Page  111: Emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that just happens. It's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.

This is spot on. Some people never seem to grow up in this. My dad was very emotionally immature. In his 80s, he was still pouting and using emotional manipulation. It was pretty sad.

Page 117: I decided to just put the whole page here. Good stuff.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Page 118: And yes, I still get frustrated when I slip up. But that's the point: It's not about being perfect; it's about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow.

I love this! It's under the subheading, "But What If You're the Problem?" The idea of progress, not perfection is very helpful to me.

Page 124: It's not your job to protect everybody else from feeling emotions. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values, and what you know deep down is true for you.

Live your values. Don't feel that you need to be responsible for others' feelings. For me, I'll add strive to be a Christ follower and emulate His example.

Page 137: Psychologists will tell you that the root cause of many disorders is an obsessive need for control. . . . anytime that you try to control something that you can't, it just makes you feel more out of control and powerless.

I used to be quite the control freak. Every once in a while, Louie accuses me of trying to control things I can't and I get frustrated with him. I need to stop and ponder. Am I having a "my way or the highway moment" or just expressing my opinion on how things could go? As long as my opinions don't turn in to the expectation that others do what I want!

Page 145: "You just have to be what most people aren't: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it."

This is a Tom Brady quote, but she references other people and situations to make the point that if you want to see change, you need to "do the reps." One can't get a muscled physique quickly and without effort; lots of things in life are like that. Be consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.

Page 170: It's easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself.

Ooh . . . this made me think of some people. I need to be careful about offering help to certain people. If they don't like how things turn out, I become the bad guy. No thanks.

Page 181: The warmth you offer others always finds its way back to you.

I like this! With all the negative things in our world, country, media, etc., I love to focus on kindness and being a blessing. This also makes me think of Lou saying, "The more smiles I give away, the more I get back!"

Page 182-3: She's talking about making friends as an adult. This is not something I struggle with, but I like her advice!

1. Compliment people everywhere you go.

2. Be curious.

3. Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet.

4. Do this without expectation.

This really goes back to her earlier advice about offering warmth. I'd much rather focus on being kind than on myself.

Page 191: The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn't matter how much you want someone to change. It doesn't matter how valid your reasons are. Or that you are right in your opinion that they should change. Or how big the consequences are if they don't change. If someone doesn't feel like changing, they won't.

 

Again, she really hammers home some messages but I think we forget. We want something for a person and we see how much it could improve their life, but we need to remember that change needs to be personally motivated and driven.

Page 195: The fact is, change is hard for everyone, including you. No one wants to feel pressure from you, because they are already feeling it from themselves.

 

Good point. There are some things I want to change (like going to bed in a timely fashion and not getting sleep-deprived, being a better listener,  . . . ) but it's hard to change habits.

Page 196: Change is never a cakewalk. If it were fun and easy, the person you love would already be doing it.

 

This made me smile. Duh. If change were easy, it could happen quickly.

Page 211: The best way to do this is to come prepared to listen to the other person wholeheartedly without interrupting them.

She's talking about the ABC Loop (Apologize and Ask open-ended questions, Back off and observe their Behavior, Celebrate progress while you continue to model the Change.)  I'm too quick to talk, to chime in with my ideas, and really slow to truly listen to what others have to say.

Page 226: As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing, or health more than they do.

So true! It's hard to let go when you care deeply about them, though.

Page 228: The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn't mean solving their problems for them - it means giving them the space, support, and tools to do it themselves.

 

Giving someone space, support, and tools instead of jumping in to "save the day" - radical.

Page 229: You can't want somebody's sobriety or their healing or their financial freedom or their ambition or their happiness more than they do.

 

Again, repetition helps get the message across. You can't fix things for other people; they have to decide they want it.

Page 235: Look at people's struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths.

 

This was an interesting take. Trust people enough to encourage them and build them up as they work toward solving their problems.

Page 244: You can create an environment for positive change by offering therapy, cooking healthy meals, or having conversations, and focusing on open-ended questions.

 

I like that she offers specific suggestions other than giving people money in helping them out.

Now I Am Known: How a Street Kid Turned Foster Dad Found Acceptance and True Worth

By:  Peter Mutabazi, with Mark Tabb

Libby ebook 14 chapters plus acknowledgements, notes, and about the author

Published: 2022

Genre: non-fiction, Christian autobiography

This book was amazing! What an incredible story Peter has to tell about his childhood in Uganda, his abusive father, his life as a homeless runaway, and an encounter that changed his life. I loved this book! It's due to autoreturn in five hours and I have a lot of notes in it, so I'll get to it. (Reading through these may give you the feeling you don't need to read the book, but please do! It's incredible.)

Chapter 1: I no longer see myself as useless, worthless, or a burden; although, I do require the occasional reminder. Many of us do.

This was so sad and wise. Having been both verbally and physically abused by his father for the first ten years of his life, then living as a homeless and invisible street kid for another five years, he definitely had a lot of baggage to overcome!

Chapter 1: Before you can be known by others, you have to leave places, patterns, and ideas that lie about and devalue who you are. My hope is that you will find the power within yourself to take that first, brave step.

What a wise man Peter grew up to be! I know his primary audience is kids and adults who have experienced trauma, but he writes in such an accessible way that I think his ideas are applicable to anyone.

Chapter 2: ...she gave me my name when I turned two, because in Uganda you waited to give a child their full name until you were sure they were going to survive.

That is so completely different from the perspective we have in the west. We are so spoiled and blessed and we typically don't even realize or appreciate it!

Chapter 2: We must choose to see others as people doing their best rather than judge them at their worst. Life is hard. We all need to give ourselves, and those around us, a little grace.

 

Wonderful wisdom. It's so easy to be critical and judgmental . . . and so defeating.

 

Chapter 3: Something inside me craved to be known more than anything in this world.

 

I know some introverts would say they prefer to be invisible and NOT noticed, but I think young Peter's desire for recognition and significance is more common. This scene is when he went to his Aunt Maria's house, but later it was a similar situation when he finally left the streets for good.

 

Chapter 4: People who live in trauma do this all the time. We do or say what people want in the hope that they might give us what we need.

I think of students who are super compliant, nod when asked if they understand, etc. . . . only to realize that they were just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear instead of the actual truth. Frustrating from my end, but helpful to think about coping mechanisms, especially for kids dealing with trauma.

Chapter 4: Rather than judge me for what he saw, he chose to believe that there was something in me that could be nurtured into a better life.

 

I'm so glad that James asked Peter his name and followed up with telling him he had potential! And then later asking him if he wanted to go to school. What a transformative relationship!

Chapter 4: When life beats people down for too long, they lose hope. They cannot see a way out of their circumstances. They cannot see their own value.

Hopelessness is a painful place to be. I love that James was able to offer Peter a different way of seeing his life and his future.

Chapter 5: I had no idea why they did anything for me, but I wouldn't be here today if they hadn't taken me in gently and with consistency. The greatest gift the school administration, staff, and other students gave me was the gift of patience.

It's wild to think that he didn't even go in to classrooms initially, sitting outside and listening. He was like a wild animal, always ready to eat and to fight. I'm glad he didn't get kicked out of school!

Chapter 5: The truth is trauma's impact lasts much longer than the trauma itself. It shapes you and impacts how you see and interact with the world. Simply removing someone from their source of trauma does not heal the mind, soul, or spirit. In spite of what some believe, love alone does not conquer all.

This is powerful to think about - trauma's impact lasting longer than the trauma itself. I think for those of us who haven't had to recover from trauma, it's easy to think "get over it." Easier said than done!

 

Chapter 5: Grace is hard to give, especially when we think a person has already been given everything they need to succeed.

 

Like he wrote in the previous excerpt, removing someone from trauma and giving them food, clothing, etc., is not a magic formula for success. Change is difficult for all of us! Healing from trauma and changing learned behaviors is no piece of cake.

 

Chapter 5:  Life beats up people. When that abuse comes early on, the impact lasts a lifetime. I see this in every foster child who enters my home. They do not know how to receive kindness and lash out instead. 

 

He writes so eloquently about the kids he took into his home, relating to their emotions and state of mind. What an incredible man!

Chapter 6: I started studying, not to become a better student, but to hear words of affirmations from my teachers. I cannot say I craved positive attention as much as I desired food, but it was a close second.

My heart breaks for this teenager who was so horribly beaten down by his father and early life experiences that hearing a positive word from a teacher became a huge motivator.

Chapter 6: When we let our past define us, we shrink back because we feel like we do not fit in or we somehow are not good enough when we have the chance to move forward.

To think that Peter wondered why other kids would even ask him to play soccer with them instead of just jumping up and joining in the fun . . . it's really sad when kids can't just be kids.

Chapter 7: My doubts and fears were completely self-inflicted, but that didn't make them any less real for me. I believed the world operated on a system in which everything came at a price.

He has seriously had some good counseling and changes in his thinking over the years to be this self-aware! Little kids shouldn't have to grow up looking for the angles and what the cost will be to their person if they accept a kindness.

Chapter 7: All through my life, I have struggled in relationships because I have always felt that love is something I must work to receive. If I have to earn love, I can never relax and enjoy it.

I think it's interesting that he is able to foster and love kids with this perspective. He seems to be a very loving person . . . 

Chapter 7: My entire life hinges on receiving undeserved kindness, and I want to give what I thought I could never deserve: love without strings. How could I not do the same for children who share a similar experience with me?

As he gets into telling about fostering kids, I love how his heart goes out to them and he offers that unconditional kindness that he so admired in James and family.

Chapter 8: When you have nothing, even a little looks like great wealth.

I think most Americans have an incredibly skewed vision of wealth. If you are comparing yourself to Jeff Bezos, of course you think you're "poor." But if you look at the fact that one-fourth of all humans on the planet don't even have access to drinkable water . . . and 99+% of Americans have a place to sleep each night . . . you realize that we are all pretty darn wealthy.

Chapter 8: James's acts of kindness opened up a new world to me, one that I passed on to my siblings and to my children. The small things that James modeled broke the cycle of what I had known. . . . Everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and known, and when they are, not only their future can change but the world can change as well.

I love that James made a dramatic life-changing difference for Peter and now Peter is impacting even more kids positively! Small acts of kindness . . . recognizing another's humanity. Beautiful!

Chapter 9: All around me I saw the evidence of how when hate fills the heart, anything is possible. There are no limits to the evil human beings can unleash upon one another. I had read about things like the Holocaust in school, but reading about it in a book does not compare to seeing it played out in from of you.

It's wild to me that after his schooling, he went to work helping with aid relief and translating in Rwanda and other places even more war-torn than Uganda. What awful things he witnessed! It's also interesting that he makes the connection between the hatefulness he is seeing and what he harbors in his heart toward his own father.

Chapter 9: I kept my mouth shut except to tell them how sorry I was. People who have lived through trauma desperately need someone who cares enough to listen to their stories, just as James and many of my teachers at Katweha did for me. Hurting people need to be heard. They need to know they are not alone.

Listening. It can be powerful. I'm such a talker; I need to learn to listen more.

Chapter 10: By God's grace, anger and hatred toward my father no longer consumed me.

He has a powerful testimony! I'm so glad that Peter allowed God to change his heart and his perspective.

Chapter 10: Day-to-day life gave me plenty of exercise. 

This part made me laugh! His friend Julia invited him to run for fun and for exercise. His initial response was, "If I run, that usually means I'm trying to get away from a wild dog or something that might hurt me." I feel the same way - run for fun? Nah.

Chapter 11: "These people who have so little have to trust God for everything. Their lives are so hard, and yet they still love God. I don't know that I have ever walked by faith like these people do every day. I came here to change their lives, but instead, they have changed mine."

As Peter is taking teams to refugee camps, he's rewarded by people having "aha" moments like this. How rewarding to see the transformation in these people's hearts, heads, and lives. It's on one of these trips that he meets Steven, who invites him to come and study in London.

Chapter 12: People today ask me how I got to where I am now. I look back on this crazy journey, and after all the years of reflection and wrestling, I have only one answer: God.

Glory to God! It's amazing how much has happened in this one person's life.

Chapter 12: "I come from a world of poverty and death, a world filled with people who God loves just as much as he loves Americans. Sometimes it is hard to grasp the vastness of God's love. And it is also hard for us here, in this American academic setting, to remember that simple principles about God's nature and his desire for humanity to live in peace are the questions the rest of the world wants answers for. I hope we never lose sight of that. I came here to understand God's mercy and his grace, his love and his forgiveness. That's what I hope to take back to my country after my time here, and I hope that's what you will inspire your students to strive for."

He was asked to give a speech and he delivered!

Chapter 12: I met children on the streets amid the destruction caused by earthquakes and hurricanes in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, who were far worse off than I had ever been. Those trips changed the way I looked at my past. I thought my life was bad, but compared to the worst of the worst, I was blessed.

His perspective is amazing to me. He truly suffered as a child - hunger, beatings, verbal abuse . . . and he can see that he was well-off compared to other children.

Chapter 12: And that's what made this my dream job. By connecting the haves with the have-nots, I had the privilege of seeing real transformation take place in the lives of both. I could not thing of a better way to invest my time here on earth.

I love that! True fulfillment from doing something significant. And I love that he moves on to another level entirely.

Chapter 13: "There are more churches in America than there are kids in foster care, so the math seems pretty simple on how to solve the problem. Unfortunately, fixing this isn't that easy. That's why my wife and I became foster parents. We had to do something. How could I ask my church members to sponsor vulnerable children in Africa and then ignore those who are right in our own backyard?"

Peter's conversation with Jason Johnson, a young pastor on one of Peter's trips opens Peter's eyes to something he had never considered before. This conversation led to Peter becoming a single foster dad!

Chapter 13: Yet here was a man with a heart for vulnerable and abandoned children who not only talked about doing something but also went beyond sponsoring a child. This child who had no blood connection to him was now his daughter, and not just in name only. He was crazy about this once-abandoned baby girl with the deepest love any father ever had for his child.

Wow. I have so much respect for people who open their homes and their hearts to children who have been abandoned, neglected, abused, . . . I think we're a bit old to start this ourselves, but I definitely love to find ways to help and support others who step up.

Chapter 13: I think if people had to go through the same process to have biological children, the population might drop. 

Peter has had to go through interviews, a home study, classes, etc. in order to be considered as a foster parent. I love his observation about requiring the same for biological families!

Chapter 13: Becoming my father was and still is my greatest fear.

This is so heartbreaking. He almost didn't become a foster dad because of this fear. No little boy (or girl) should grow up dreading and despising a parent. But I'm glad that people like Peter can overcome!

Chapter 13: While we are all shaped by our past, none of us are chained to it. None of us are predestined to repeat the mistakes of the generations that came before. We all have a choice about the type of person we will be.

This is so true! Sometimes people wallow in the past and what was done to them and never try to make changes in their life to move forward! We all have choices . . . 

Chapter 13: The social worker came over and handed my his paperwork along with a black trash bag filled with his belongings. Sadly, black trash bags are the universal standard luggage for foster children.

This is so sad to me! This isn't the first time I've heard or seen this. I cannot imagine all my worldly possessions being stuck in a black trash bag. How demoralizing.

Chapter 14: I was proud of the fact that I had proved every one of my father's words false, and yet, the power of those words still came back when I least expected it and haunted me. His words have stuck with me for a lifetime.

His dad regularly told little Peter that he was worthless, garbage, would never amount to anything, etc. How awful for any human to receive these messages, but especially a little boy from his father.

Chapter 14: "Peter," he said, you are special, especially to us." No one had ever called me special before. The moment had such an impact on me that when we returned to his home, I went into my room and wrote the word special in a notebook."

I'm so thankful for James! His kindness and positive words helped Peter to start to see himself differently.

Chapter 14: Every single day I make sure my children hear me say to them these words I hope they never forget:

    You matter.

    You belong.

    You are loved.

    You are seen.

    You are chosen.

     You are a gift.

    You are not alone.

    You are enough.

    You are heard.

    You are brave.

    You are special.

    You are known.

These affirmations are powerful! I love this so much. I'm glad he chose to foster and adopt.

Chapter 14: Every child needs to know they are loved and that they belong.

True. The messages our children hear repeatedly are the ones they will internalize. It's important that we choose our messages carefully.

Chapter 14: Everyone can do something. 

It's too easy to be apathetic or to look at the large scale of need and just shrug. "What can I do?" is a good starting place. Maybe I won't be the one to foster or adopt, but perhaps there are other ways I can support these kids.

Chapter 14: James saw my potential and offered me a new path. The combination of bravery and love can make all the difference in the world. It did for me. There is a world filled with children waiting for you to make a choice. Their lives will never be the same.

Choose to be brave. Choose to love.

This book had so many highlights in it that I'm seriously thinking I should just buy a print copy and share it with others!