Why Men Hate Going to Church

By: David Murrow

personal paperback 223 pages plus notes

Published: 2011 ("completely revised & updated" from 2005)

Genre: non-fiction, theology, Christianity, church

 

I'm not sure when, why, or how I got this book, but I was interested enough to keep reading it before donating it. Theology isn't my thing, yet I love to learn and be challenged in my thinking. (Okay, I don't *love* being challenged in my thinking, yet I also don't want to retreat to being in an echo chamber of only consuming those ideas that confirm my existing ideas.)

 

I am definitely not the target audience for this book (pastors are), but it was written in a very accessible manner. Raised by a feminist mother, some of his writing was extremely off-putting for me but I do understand the points he's making.

 

Page 71: During the late 1960s, young hippies began turning to Jesus. They went to church but found the music to be a real bummer. Old-fashioned hymns didn't connect with kids who had grown up listening to the Rolling Stones, Creedence Clearwater, the Beatles, and Janis Joplin.

 

Although I was just a little kid when this was going on, it immediately made me think of my sister Ann going to the Jesus People Church in the 1970s. His history lesson is fascinating. I didn't realize that Amy Grant was a big breakthrough artist for Christian music. I just remember liking her music.

 

Page 90: But the average man lacks the churchgoing skills that come naturally to many women.

I'm not talking about spirituality. I'm referring to the mundane, practical abilities that allow a person to function at a high level in a gathering of Christians. Women are just better at "doing church" than men are, because the rules of church favor women.

 

He talks about listening, sociability, verbal fluency, etc. It's interesting. He's careful to make clear that not all women have these strengths nor do all men lack them. In general, modern churches are more geared to women than men. 

 

Page 116:  And boys must have a chance to win - or they become discouraged and quit.

"Win" in Sunday school? You didn't realize it was a competition, did you?

With guys, everything is a competition. And here's the kicker: generally, men will only compete at things they're somewhat good at. If they have no chance of winning, they simply don't play.

 

Human nature . . . we need to think about these things. What's the goal? 

 

Page 120: And thanks to the way we portray Jesus in Sunday school, Christ has become a childish thing. 

 

He talks about the difference between boys and girls and how Jesus is "marketed" in Sunday school curriculum. When boys become teens, they reject the "softness" of Jesus. Again, interesting. A lot of this made me miss the Royal Rangers program at our church. It was wonderful to have godly men teaching boys to be strong followers of Jesus doing "manly" things.

 

Page 127: Together these efforts came to be known as the Muscular Christianity movement.

 

Another history lesson here. He is referring to the 1800s when George Williams started the YMCA. He writes that "Muscular Christianity was a direct assault on Puritan notions of piety." I like that he adds context for his observations and comments.

 

Page 129: And today, with only six hundred thousand members, the Salvation Army sponsors missions in one hundred nations and helps more needy people than every other denomination combined.

 

Wow. That's an amazing statistic (if it's true . . . for over a decade ago). It makes me think of some people's dislike of the Salvation Army because of their not supporting LGBTQ people. I cannot throw stones because I don't do nearly enough myself to help people . . . I ring a bell at a kettle each year because I know it helps raise more money to help more people.

 

Page 135: On its face, this strategy sounds radical (or sexist). But Christ did the same thing. He did not recruit a diverse group of men, women, and children. Instead, he focused like a laser on a homogenous group of twelve guys. Men like Simon Peter became the "rock" upon which he built his church. Diversity and increase came later.

 

Looking to Jesus' example makes a lot of sense. I'm too quick to look at situations through my own lens - sixty year old Minnesota woman in 2026 - and sometimes I need to work to look at other perspectives. And I most definitely need to look at what Jesus said and did. God's wisdom doesn't just dwarf my understanding; it eclipses it! (Actually, those two things are so completely different that they can't really be compared at all.)

 

Page  160: Men give up their weekends to come to church. You'd better tell them why they came. Don't be afraid to ask something great of them. Give the men a specific assignment for the week.

 

The author offers three suggestions for involving men in lessons. Teach by personal experience, stir the pot in discussions, and issue a clear call to action. He shares a conversation between Abraham Lincoln and a companion after a sermon. After Lincoln praises it as "brilliantly conceived, relevant, and well presented," his companion declares it as a great sermon. Lincoln replied that it was not great because Dr. Gurley had not asked anything of them. Whether true or not, this story is a good illustration of sermons needing to challenge us not just entertain or inform us.

 

Page 165: When Christ called disciples, he did not say, "Come, have a personal relationship with me." No, he simply said, "Follow me." Hear the difference? Follow me suggests a mission. A goal. But a personal relationship with Jesus suggest we're heading to Starbucks for some couple time.

 

He makes this point quite a few times. I've sometimes wondered about the romantic-sounding language of some worship songs. How does it feel for guys to sing them about another guy? He goes with a favorite movie analogy - his wife's is a romance; his is action adventure.

 

Page 166: The gospel is the story of a courageous man who is out to save the world against impossible odds. And he is recruiting agents to join him. He is calling you to risk everything to come under his command. And when the mission is over, a precious reward awaits. That's the message men crave.

 

Again, the author is careful with painting such a broad brush over gender differences and individuals. But a lot of what he's writing makes sense. This would be an interesting discussion book for a church group. 

 

Page 197: Nothing in Scripture suggests that long prayers are better than short ones. The Bible recommends consistency and frequency, not length.

 

Prayer! Such a vital part of life. And again, following Jesus' example is better than coming up with our own ideas of how to do things.

 

Page  202: Herb Reese of New Commandment Men's Ministries takes a group of four men and places a widow or single mother under their care. Once a month the men do handyman projects around her house, work on her car, help her balance her checkbook, whatever she needs.

 

I love stuff like this! Herb says, "For a lot of men, this is the first time they really understand the love of Christ. It's practical love. It's something guys can talk about on Monday morning with their coworkers." Such a cool ministry! To the women who need some help and to the men who get the chance to serve. Love it! (Though there's no way I want some other person balancing my checkbook. Come on, girl! Do the math.) This is in a section about how to minister to men. The topics are: give men opportunities to use their skills and gifts, give men a path to walk or a ladder to climb, give men external focus, give men big projects that capture their imaginations, give men adventure, deploy men in servant evangelism, don't keep what your church is doing a secret, charge men money, offer personal invitations to church, recognize the importance of entry and exit points, and make sure that they're also being discipled.

 

Page 213: Women bond face-to-face, whereas men bond side by side. Masculine friendships form while guys are doing something else. Like trying to beat each other to the hoop. Or fishing. Or working on cars. 

 

This made me think of one of the teacher training scenarios I had about dealing with difficult students. Work side by side with them rather than facing them. It's easier for students who are struggling (or have a hard time with authority figures) to communicate side by side. Good to remember!

 

Page 220: There seem to be fewer "Jesus is my boyfriend" songs being sung in church these days.

 

This made me giggle, but I understand what he's saying. Again, this book was written in 2005 and revised in 2011, so it's kind of old. But some of his points make perfect sense. 

 

Page 221: The changes at Grace Methodist were immediate. First, Jenn adjusted her language. "As I write liturgy and prayers and sermons, I'm thinking, How would a guy like a bricklayer, a farmer, a mechanic, or a line worker hear this?" She began using more masculine metaphors and illustrations that males could relate to.

 

This example at the end of the book heartened me. Earlier in the book, he basically said that there shouldn't be women pastors. But then he writes about Rev. Dr. Jennifer Wilson and her experience at her church in LaSalle, Illinois. Very cool way to end the book. 

 

I'm ready to donate this, but I'd love to find someone for whom this is the right book at the right time . . .