by Gary Thomas
Scott County Library paperback 268 pages plus index and notes
Published: 2000
Genre: Non-fiction, Christian faith, marriage
Pastor Jamie recommended this book and I'm really glad I read it! It's one that I would seriously consider buying . . . but I'm really trying to get rid of stuff and not buy more! I have a *lot* of post-its sticking out so this will be long. I'm going to go back to putting book material first and any commentary from me after.
Page 21 - "If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there's no question - stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise."
Yes! Iron sharpens iron. A successful marriage involves a lot of refining!
Page 35 - "According to pollster George Barna, self-described 'born-again' Christians have a higher rate of divorce than nonbelievers (twenty-seven percent to twenty-three percent). THose who adopt the label 'fundamentalist Christian' have the highest divorce rate of all (thirty percent). We can't carry a message well if we don't live it first."
Ouch! Divorce makes me so sad, but to know that people who identify as Christians have an even higher divorce rate is even worse.
Page 42 - "Yes, this spouse might be difficult to love at times, but that's what marriage is for - to teach us how to love. Allow your marriage relationship to stretch your love and to enlarge your capacity for love - to teach you to be a Christian."
That should be our hallmark! Love. "You will be known by your love."
Page 54 - "This chapter deals with the discipline of showing respect, particularly to your spouse. The sad truth is that comparatively few Christians think of giving respect as a command or spiritual discipline. We are obsessed with being respected, but rarely consider our own obligation to respect others."
That last part really struck me. We definitely want to get respect, but don't think as much about being respectful of others. Guilty!
Page 63 - "Giving respect to others brings light and life into our lives. It leads us in the end to respect the God who created all of us and shapes us as He sees fit. It is an essential discipline, and marriage provides daily opportunities for us to grow in this area."
I vividly remember seeing and hearing both my mom and Betty being really disrespectful to their husbands . . . I know it was partly borne of frustration, but I remember thinking, "I don't ever want to treat Louie like that." Sometimes I am rude to him, but I try really hard to show him respect.
Page 74 - "Paul urges us to pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). This puts prayer on a far higher plan than mere intercession. It marks prayer as the heart of our devotion, the constant awareness of God's presence, our consistent submission to His will, and our frequent expressions of adoration and praise."
This idea has been cropping up more and more for me. To be in constant communication with the Lord is something I'm working on. I need Your help, Holy Spirit!
Page 97 - "Use the revelation of your sin as a means to grow in the foundational Christian virtue of humility, leading you to confession and renouncement. Then go the next step and adopt the positive virtue that corresponds to the sin you are renouncing. If you've used women in the past, practice serving your wife. If you've been quick to ridicule your husband, practice giving him encouragement and praise."
"Humility" is the word I chose to guide me this school year. Less of me, more of Jesus. I like how Thomas takes the reader from personal sin to confession to changing behaviors and attitudes. God is good!
Page 114-5: "If you're reading this after you've gone through a divorce, you serve no one - least of all God - by becoming fixated on something you can't now undo. That's what forgiveness and grace are for - a fresh start, a new beginning."
I've been seriously considering "grace" for my next year's word. Grace is powerful when you really understand what it is that Jesus has done for us.
Page 120-1: As I read the section titled "Shared Sufferings," I was overwhelmed by the power of stories. This is the story of Leslie and Tim and their broken marriage. It made me think of Jes and her first marriage. It made me sad AND encouraged that God can help us through ANY ugly thing we deal with in this life.
Page 123 - "What really happened was that by remaining faithful to an unfaithful husband, Leslie demonstrated the truth of a God who remains faithful to an unfaithful people. Her father had heard the gospel many times, but it wasn't until he saw it displayed in Leslie's life that he wanted it for himself."
Wow! I didn't expect her difficult experience to bear such fruit! For her dad to come to faith in Christ because of how she handled her husband's unfaithfulness is just amazing. Praise God!
Page 125 - "Tell your (marital) story. Tel lit to your kids, your friends, your brothers and sisters, but especially to each other. The more your story is implanted in your brain, the more it serves as a hedge against the myriad forces that seek to destroy your marriage. Make your story so familiar that it becomes part of the fabric of your being. It should become a legend that is shared through the generations as you grow a family tree that defies all odds and boasts marriage after marriage of stability, strength, and longevity."
This is actually a quote from Jerry Jenkins. I'm trying to remember which of his books / studies I've read, but it's not coming to me right now. I love the power of story!
Page 129 - "Jesus promised us that everyone will be seasoned with fire, and every sacrifice will be seasoned with salt (see Mark 9:49, NKJV). The desire for ease, comfort, and stress-free living is an indirect desire to remain an "unseasoned," immature Christian. Struggle makes us stronger; it builds us up and deepens our faith."
This was a tiny bit "ouch" for me . . . I struggle with just wanting to be comfortable, yet I know that God hates a lukewarm believer. This is a prayer point for me!
Page 143 - "Think about this line: 'Sorrow also played its part in setting me free.' So often today sorrow is something that is to be avoided at all costs. Sorrow is the enemy, the persecutor, the fearful emotion. If there is sorrow in our marriage, we must leave our marriage, for how could anyone suggest that I remain in an unhappy marriage? While few of us would (or even should) have the courage to willingly choose sorrow, when we find ourselves in it, if we quieted our souls down - if we learned to float in it rather than thrash about like a drowning emotional victim - we might find, as Anne did, that it can be used to set us free."
Just like the point from before, this is challenging to me. I have to say that I am glad that Louie and I face the challenges (and sorrow) together rather than letting them draw us apart. I need to deepen my faith in *all* circumstances! I scanned pages 162-3 because they deal with the issue of conflict so well!
Page 170 - "But true forgiveness is a process, not an event. It is rarely the case that we are able to forgive 'one time' and the matter is settled. Far more often, we must relinquish our bitterness a dozen times or more, continually choosing to release the offender from our judgment."
Yes! I sometimes struggle with true forgiveness, wanting to snatch back the position of judging. This book was so filled with sound advice and clear insight.
Page 182 - "Significance is found in giving your life away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness."
Yet it has taken me decades to get to the point where I understand this and am trying to live it . . . I'm so glad that God is patient with me!
Page 188 - "The important thing to remember is that service is a spiritual discipline we owe to God, and it can only be lived out as it is applied to others. I learned long ago that God has called me to serve him through people, regardless of whether those people are 'worthy' of being served. . . . God is always worthy of being obeyed and served, so when I act out of obedience to him, the person who receives my service doesn't have to be deserving - they're benefiting from what I owe God."
This whole section on "The Worthy" is excellent!
Page 203 - "Common sense tells us that sex is necessary for the human race to continue - ... - but religious apprehension makes us think that the 'most holy' amongst us will somehow shun its pleasure. This, tragically, would mean that only the least holy would actually raise children - which doesn't bode well for the faith of the next generation.
Thomas actually addresses a lot of aspects of sex within marriage. And he addresses how people can have misconceptions about sex, faith, and what the Bible tells us to do. He does a nice job on this topic.
Page 224 - "The fact is, God is worthy of infinite celebration. Jesus said at one point that if the crowds had not broken forth in praise, the very stones would have cried out (see Luke 19:40). God forbid that we would get shown up by a bunch of rocks!"
Amen! I love to celebrate and sing a joyful noise!
Page 229 - "The great Christian writers of the past stressed the importance of living in constant awareness of God's presence. Those who have advanced in the Christian life have learned to develop almost a mystical memory that keeps them attuned to the fact that God is always with them, always ready to whisper his words of challenge, encouragement, affirmation, and loving rebuke. He is always watching, always caring, always hearing."
Yes! I want to develop a constant awareness of God's presence in my life.
Page 230 - "How can we, as married saints, use the daily rush of activities and the seeming chaos of family life as a reminder of God's presence?"
I love that Louie and I are more and more often praying together and building one another up in our faith. That just wasn't the case thirty years ago.
Page 231 - "Notice that Jesus says 'where two or three come together in my name . . . ' The family that will enjoy Jesus' presence as a customary part of their union is a family that is joined precisely because husband and wife want to invite Jesus into the deeper parts of their marriage. They are not coming together in order to escape loneliness, more favorably pool their financial resources, or merely gain an outlet for sexual desire. Above all these other reasons, they have joined themselves to each other as a way to live out and deepen their faith in God."
I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be married to Louie!
Page 234 - "The other side of communication is learning to listen, and it is this area where I often struggle mightily. I'm often lost in my own thoughts . . . "
Guilty! I really, really, really need to work on listening more.
Page 242 - ". . . building a family together isn't a side avocation. It takes enormous energy, concentration, and self-denial."
So true! It's worth it, though! I'm glad I don't need to "do life" without my partner.
Page 261 - "Few things have been sadder to me than reading Donald Trump's three autobiographies. Don't ask me why I've read all of them - I'm not sure myself! - but by the end of the third, you see a clear picture of a man who blindly pursued his financial dreams and lost the intimacy that could make such dreams meaningful."
When you love money and fame more than human beings . . .
Page 266 - "I've been wrong about so many things in my marriage. There have been moments of betrayal, apathy, unkindness, selfishness - but marriage is a long walk. We can start out a little slowly, even occasionally lose our way, and still salvage a most meaningful journey."
This book was a very worthwhile read! It's one that could very well become my "go-to" book to add to wedding gifts. . .
