Before All Is Said and Done: Practical Advice on Living and Dying Well

By: Pat Miles and Suzanne Watson

Ann's copy paperback 201 pages (including acknowledgments, about the authors, and resources)

Published: 2022

Genre: Non-fiction, end of life, advice

When my sister loaned me this book, I thought it would primarily have to do with grieving. It includes that and so much more! Here are the chapter titles:

Going Through Hell

Don't Die Before You're Ready

Why Do I Feel So Poor?

Dad Never Told Us That

Saving the Long Goodbye

Stung By Sudden Death

Missing Out on Funerals and Hugs

Surviving the Ultimate Sacrifice

Don't Drink and Grieve

Easing the Transition

Just Breathe

Building a New Beginning

The authors mix personal stories, interviews with professionals, and observations from others grieving to make a very accessible and important book. The one thing I think is important is for people to read this before they are in crisis mode. It's hard to think clearly when you're struggling with loss. In fact, that's the main reason Pat Miles authored this. Her husband's death threw her life into a place for which she was completely unprepared.

Page 24: Lessons Learned about the Fog of Grief

• Expect to feel numb after the loss of a partner.
• Don't make any big decisions for a year.
• Grieve in your own way; don't linger, but don't rush through it.
• Learn the difference between grief and depression.
• Engage a professional to help guide you through the grief process.
• Find support through family, friends, and/or community news.
• Surrender sooner and face the new reality.
• Find something meaningful in each day.
• Be creative and find your new identity.
   

Each chapter ends with a recap of that chapter's main points. This was such a succinct list that I decided to just replicate it here. The writing within the chapter is more eloquent, but this sums it up.

Page 33: She encourages clients to make a list of their accounts and include information on where to find key documents. She suggests that couples itemize their financial assets and next to every item, write down how it is titled and then have a column about how that asset will transfer upon death.

Here the authors have interviewed a professional ("she" is Maggie Green) who helps with estate planning. Doing this has been on my priority list for too long! We really, really need to get our ducks in a row. The above advice is to be in addition to the actual estate documents.

Page 42: Lessons Learned about Estate Planning

• Have estate plan discussions and legal documents drawn up while both partners are alive and of sound mind. Ask questions of the professionals you work with until you are satisfied you understand them.
• Choose an estate attorney who can be a trusted advisor. If you don't know of one, ask friends for recommendations.
• Designate a family member as your successor trustee.
• Designate one person on your advance health care directive.
• Designate multiple people on your financial documents.
• Make a list of financial accountes and personal items, including where they can be found and who is to inherit what.
• Business owners should have documents that clearly spell out what should happen to the business upon their death.

Halfway through typing all that, I wondered why . . . I must have thought I would capture all the chapter summations for blogging. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel a need to save all that info. Ah well.

 

Page  56: He noted that intention letters are unlike other estate planning documents in that they are not legally binding documents, but rather a personal expression of beliefs and wishes. 

The "he" is Andrew, a financial advisor. I like the idea of an intention letter to explain the decision-making. As I have sometimes wrestled with how to best plan for the distribution of our assets upon our deaths, I think the reasoning behind the decision-making could be helpful for our family. I think back to my dad talking about being "fair," and me getting upset with how he determined that. . .

Page 68: I learned through this friend, and other friends similarly affected by a dementia diagnosis of their spouse, that it brings with it life-altering challenges that include emotional devastation, financial and legal custodianship, caregiving, and worst of all, a loss of hope. Their stresses usually start well before their spouse's deaths; they lose companionship, a social life, and emotional support while their spouse is still alive.

This is so heart-breaking! It makes me wonder if there are people I know who are currently living this struggle. How can I support and encourage them?

Page 78: He stresses to all caregivers that they will be a better partner or caregiver if they also think about their own well-being.

Dr. Petersen is advising that caregivers take breaks to avoid burnout. Being a dedicated caregiver to a loved one shouldn't mean your life is over. It's interesting how some people can almost kill themselves taking care of someone else and others just walk away and say, "not my problem." People are different! I remember working in a nursing home as a teenager. Some residents never seemed to have any visitors at all.

Page 103: "I used to be a people pleaser," she said, "but I am so over that now."

This woman lost her husband to suicide. Besides all the grieving, people treated her differently. She decided to "not waste her time with people whose company she does not enjoy." I think it's important to value yourself enough to avoid spending time with people who drag you down.

Page 110: Trauma and grief are two different animals, and both deserve the proper support.

I think this is an important distinction. Some of the people interviewed for this book were not just struggling with grief, but with a traumatic event as well (such as a sudden death). Having time to say goodbye makes a world of difference.

Page 134: She reflects that no matter when you lose someone, nine days, nine years, or ninety years, it is never evnough time when it comes to someone we love.

Loss is loss. Different people deal with losses differently. There is no "normal" way to grieve. Time is precious. Life is short.

Page 136: Taryn said, "There is an adage, 'Comparison is the thief of joy,' and when you are newly widowed, there is very little joy."

This was from a YouTube clip made by Taryn Davis, the founder of American Widow Project. What an amazing woman, to turn her pain and sorrow into an organization that reaches out to other women in similar situations. Comparison as the theif of joy is a phrase I've heard in other contexts, but I really appreciated the different stories the authors included.

Page 152: Lessons Learned About Widowhood and Substance Abuse

• Acknowledging past and present grieving is an important part of substance abuse recovery.
• Alcohol and drugs can mask who the person really is - both mentally and physically.
• Widows who abuse either alcohol or drugs often make bad choices, which can lead to a downward spiral of their life.
• The underlying problems associated with widowhood cannot be addressed until the person is sober.
• Alcoholics cannot live with resentment; it is important to find gratitude in something each day, no matter how small it is.

 

Again, I'm not sure why I put a post-it note here. I've let too much time elapse between reading the book and blogging about it. It's possible I thought of someone else while I was reading. I found it interesting that my sister replaced "alcoholics" in the last bullet point with "anyone." True story! Living with gratitude instead of resentment makes a world of difference!

Page 157: Jason said his experience of using a death doula has changed his feelings about death. After sessions with Donna, he now embraces the fact that death is coming to all of us, and that it is a natural part of life, just like being born. He has experienced firsthand the peace that can be reaches with the help of a doula.

It would be easy to say, "Duh! Of course we will all die. It's part of life." But for people who do not have this perspective or have a huge fear of death, it's nice to have someone to help them deal with it. Again, I like how the authors interviewed regular people and professionals about these different topics. I'd not heard of a death doula before!

Page 159: She said the amount of money made off someone dying is staggering - taxes, funeral homes, burial expenses. She advises that it is important for us to treat our decisinos about funeral and burial plans the same way we do any major decisions we make throughout our life. . . . She summed up our discussion by saying, "We are consumers in life, and we should be consumers in death."

 

It seems morbid to talk about the death industry, but that's really what it is. It's crazy how expensive it can all get and how unnecessary a lot of it is!

 

Page 186: The Rudolph's Bluebird Houses page soon caught the attention of the people at Facebook. 

 

I had to look this one up! Ron Rudolph is a Minnesota man who lost his wife Pat and started having anxiety attacks.

 

Page 186 (earlier): Sleep was elusive, so at two o'clock in the morning, he got out of bed. It was a freezing January night in Minnesota; nevertheless, Ron dressed and headed outside to his workshop.

He walked in the door, flipped on the lights, and his eyes landed on a bluebird house hanging on the wall. Pat had loved watching bluebirds, so Ron had built bluebird houses for her and placed them around the yard. That night he decided the best way to relieve his anxiety was to build more birdhouses. He started sawing pieces of wood and assembling them. By the time the sun came that morning, Ron had crafted eight birdhouses.

His anxiety attacks led to a successful business! I love his story, other than the part about him being devastated at the loss of his wife. I love that his daughter helped him. Just skimming his story again now, I'm tearing up. Yes, it can be harder for men than women to talk about their feelings.

Page 192: I have written an intention letter and I have documented where and to whom I want my personal possessions to go. This has given me some peace of mind.

Again, this is super high on my priority list! I want to get our documents done and our intentions clear and communicate all to our sons. Will we do it yet in 2025? I just don't know. This book is definitely worth reading.