Before All Is Said and Done: Practical Advice on Living and Dying Well

By: Pat Miles and Suzanne Watson

Ann's copy paperback 201 pages (including acknowledgments, about the authors, and resources)

Published: 2022

Genre: Non-fiction, end of life, advice

When my sister loaned me this book, I thought it would primarily have to do with grieving. It includes that and so much more! Here are the chapter titles:

Going Through Hell

Don't Die Before You're Ready

Why Do I Feel So Poor?

Dad Never Told Us That

Saving the Long Goodbye

Stung By Sudden Death

Missing Out on Funerals and Hugs

Surviving the Ultimate Sacrifice

Don't Drink and Grieve

Easing the Transition

Just Breathe

Building a New Beginning

The authors mix personal stories, interviews with professionals, and observations from others grieving to make a very accessible and important book. The one thing I think is important is for people to read this before they are in crisis mode. It's hard to think clearly when you're struggling with loss. In fact, that's the main reason Pat Miles authored this. Her husband's death threw her life into a place for which she was completely unprepared.

Page 24: Lessons Learned about the Fog of Grief

• Expect to feel numb after the loss of a partner.
• Don't make any big decisions for a year.
• Grieve in your own way; don't linger, but don't rush through it.
• Learn the difference between grief and depression.
• Engage a professional to help guide you through the grief process.
• Find support through family, friends, and/or community news.
• Surrender sooner and face the new reality.
• Find something meaningful in each day.
• Be creative and find your new identity.
   

Each chapter ends with a recap of that chapter's main points. This was such a succinct list that I decided to just replicate it here. The writing within the chapter is more eloquent, but this sums it up.

Page 33: She encourages clients to make a list of their accounts and include information on where to find key documents. She suggests that couples itemize their financial assets and next to every item, write down how it is titled and then have a column about how that asset will transfer upon death.

Here the authors have interviewed a professional ("she" is Maggie Green) who helps with estate planning. Doing this has been on my priority list for too long! We really, really need to get our ducks in a row. The above advice is to be in addition to the actual estate documents.

Page 42: Lessons Learned about Estate Planning

• Have estate plan discussions and legal documents drawn up while both partners are alive and of sound mind. Ask questions of the professionals you work with until you are satisfied you understand them.
• Choose an estate attorney who can be a trusted advisor. If you don't know of one, ask friends for recommendations.
• Designate a family member as your successor trustee.
• Designate one person on your advance health care directive.
• Designate multiple people on your financial documents.
• Make a list of financial accountes and personal items, including where they can be found and who is to inherit what.
• Business owners should have documents that clearly spell out what should happen to the business upon their death.

Halfway through typing all that, I wondered why . . . I must have thought I would capture all the chapter summations for blogging. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel a need to save all that info. Ah well.

 

Page  56: He noted that intention letters are unlike other estate planning documents in that they are not legally binding documents, but rather a personal expression of beliefs and wishes. 

The "he" is Andrew, a financial advisor. I like the idea of an intention letter to explain the decision-making. As I have sometimes wrestled with how to best plan for the distribution of our assets upon our deaths, I think the reasoning behind the decision-making could be helpful for our family. I think back to my dad talking about being "fair," and me getting upset with how he determined that. . .

Page 68: I learned through this friend, and other friends similarly affected by a dementia diagnosis of their spouse, that it brings with it life-altering challenges that include emotional devastation, financial and legal custodianship, caregiving, and worst of all, a loss of hope. Their stresses usually start well before their spouse's deaths; they lose companionship, a social life, and emotional support while their spouse is still alive.

This is so heart-breaking! It makes me wonder if there are people I know who are currently living this struggle. How can I support and encourage them?

Page 78: He stresses to all caregivers that they will be a better partner or caregiver if they also think about their own well-being.

Dr. Petersen is advising that caregivers take breaks to avoid burnout. Being a dedicated caregiver to a loved one shouldn't mean your life is over. It's interesting how some people can almost kill themselves taking care of someone else and others just walk away and say, "not my problem." People are different! I remember working in a nursing home as a teenager. Some residents never seemed to have any visitors at all.

Page 103: "I used to be a people pleaser," she said, "but I am so over that now."

This woman lost her husband to suicide. Besides all the grieving, people treated her differently. She decided to "not waste her time with people whose company she does not enjoy." I think it's important to value yourself enough to avoid spending time with people who drag you down.

Page 110: Trauma and grief are two different animals, and both deserve the proper support.

I think this is an important distinction. Some of the people interviewed for this book were not just struggling with grief, but with a traumatic event as well (such as a sudden death). Having time to say goodbye makes a world of difference.

Page 134: She reflects that no matter when you lose someone, nine days, nine years, or ninety years, it is never evnough time when it comes to someone we love.

Loss is loss. Different people deal with losses differently. There is no "normal" way to grieve. Time is precious. Life is short.

Page 136: Taryn said, "There is an adage, 'Comparison is the thief of joy,' and when you are newly widowed, there is very little joy."

This was from a YouTube clip made by Taryn Davis, the founder of American Widow Project. What an amazing woman, to turn her pain and sorrow into an organization that reaches out to other women in similar situations. Comparison as the theif of joy is a phrase I've heard in other contexts, but I really appreciated the different stories the authors included.

Page 152: Lessons Learned About Widowhood and Substance Abuse

• Acknowledging past and present grieving is an important part of substance abuse recovery.
• Alcohol and drugs can mask who the person really is - both mentally and physically.
• Widows who abuse either alcohol or drugs often make bad choices, which can lead to a downward spiral of their life.
• The underlying problems associated with widowhood cannot be addressed until the person is sober.
• Alcoholics cannot live with resentment; it is important to find gratitude in something each day, no matter how small it is.

 

Again, I'm not sure why I put a post-it note here. I've let too much time elapse between reading the book and blogging about it. It's possible I thought of someone else while I was reading. I found it interesting that my sister replaced "alcoholics" in the last bullet point with "anyone." True story! Living with gratitude instead of resentment makes a world of difference!

Page 157: Jason said his experience of using a death doula has changed his feelings about death. After sessions with Donna, he now embraces the fact that death is coming to all of us, and that it is a natural part of life, just like being born. He has experienced firsthand the peace that can be reaches with the help of a doula.

It would be easy to say, "Duh! Of course we will all die. It's part of life." But for people who do not have this perspective or have a huge fear of death, it's nice to have someone to help them deal with it. Again, I like how the authors interviewed regular people and professionals about these different topics. I'd not heard of a death doula before!

Page 159: She said the amount of money made off someone dying is staggering - taxes, funeral homes, burial expenses. She advises that it is important for us to treat our decisinos about funeral and burial plans the same way we do any major decisions we make throughout our life. . . . She summed up our discussion by saying, "We are consumers in life, and we should be consumers in death."

 

It seems morbid to talk about the death industry, but that's really what it is. It's crazy how expensive it can all get and how unnecessary a lot of it is!

 

Page 186: The Rudolph's Bluebird Houses page soon caught the attention of the people at Facebook. 

 

I had to look this one up! Ron Rudolph is a Minnesota man who lost his wife Pat and started having anxiety attacks.

 

Page 186 (earlier): Sleep was elusive, so at two o'clock in the morning, he got out of bed. It was a freezing January night in Minnesota; nevertheless, Ron dressed and headed outside to his workshop.

He walked in the door, flipped on the lights, and his eyes landed on a bluebird house hanging on the wall. Pat had loved watching bluebirds, so Ron had built bluebird houses for her and placed them around the yard. That night he decided the best way to relieve his anxiety was to build more birdhouses. He started sawing pieces of wood and assembling them. By the time the sun came that morning, Ron had crafted eight birdhouses.

His anxiety attacks led to a successful business! I love his story, other than the part about him being devastated at the loss of his wife. I love that his daughter helped him. Just skimming his story again now, I'm tearing up. Yes, it can be harder for men than women to talk about their feelings.

Page 192: I have written an intention letter and I have documented where and to whom I want my personal possessions to go. This has given me some peace of mind.

Again, this is super high on my priority list! I want to get our documents done and our intentions clear and communicate all to our sons. Will we do it yet in 2025? I just don't know. This book is definitely worth reading.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle

By: Beverly Cleary

Libby audiobook 2 hours

Read by: B.D. Wong

Published 1965 (this version 2007)

Genre: Children's fantasy

I had originally requested this to listen to with my grandson. After letting someone else on hold have it first, I decided to just listen to it myself. It has been more than four decades since I last read this book! (Unless I read it to my sons? That would have been about three decades ago.)

For the most part, I enjoyed revisiting this story. The two things that I didn't like were the dated references and the vocalization for Ralph.

Written in 1965 (before I was born!), Cleary used things like telephones with wires to the ground and a television set in a big wooden box up on legs which were common at that point in history. They aren't things that young readers experience nowadays.

That wasn't a big deal, but the reader made Ralph sound like a completely rude jerk. His interpretation didn't make me like the little mouse at all. That's too bad, because I have fond memories of these stories from my own childhood.

I think what probably appealed to me the most was a little mouse being able to drive a motorcycle by making vrmm noises to go! Also, there is the question of doing the right thing, keeping your word, and maturing. 

 

I have to edit this to add that there was random music between chapters seven and eight. Why? I have no idea. Basically, this audiobook bugged me.

I'm glad I listened to it alone. Now I can just read it to my grandson! (When I get to spend time with him.)

Until Unity

By: Francis Chan

Libby ebook, 8 chapters plus intro, conclusion, notes, Scripture index, and acknowledgments

Published: 2021

Genre: Non-fiction, theology, Christian faith

Chan's writing always does that excellent mix of encouraging AND challenging me. I didn't realize this was published four years ago! It is a powerful book and I found myself thinking many times, "Should I just buy a copy and mark it up and share it?" But I am really, really trying to decrease my possessions and my expenses. So I'll jump into the many places I highlighted and just say that I highly recommend this title.

Introduction: There is nothing you have to do today that is more important than worshipping Him.

Yes! And even when I *know* this, I too often rush into my day and/or make my "to-do" list of things. I want to be better about taking time each morning to praise Him and be quiet before Him. (Blogger is telling me there's only one "p" in "worshiping," but I quoted from the book accurately. I just didn't want to use "sic.")

Introduction: Fill your heart with worship and keep it filled.

 

He uses so many Scriptures to make his points! At times, I thought about just reading my Bible instead of spending my time reading Chan's book. But his writing makes me dig deeper and think more critically about issues. I love that he is basing his teachings on what he finds in God's Word. Worship is not just pleasant to do; it is vital for keeping our souls filled and connected to God.

 

Introduction: It would look like my family screaming frantically at each other while walking through an orphanage to meet kids wanting adoption. There is a reason people aren't anxious to join our family. What picture of God are we showing to the world?

In talking about unity and how Christians must look to outsiders, he makes this apt analogy. Chan references the many different denominations and their often negative jabs at one another. This is not a good representation of the body of Christ.

Introduction: The world currently hates us not because we resemble Jesus but because we don't.

Ouch. I think he's on the mark here. If Christians behaved and spoke more like Jesus Christ, they would hate us for different reasons. But I cringe at how many non-believers think that Christians are cruel, hateful, hypocrites.

Introduction: Most of us would say that we would do anything to see our loved ones know Jesus. Are you willing to make a serious effort toward unity? 

This made me think of something Chaplain Michael has said at church. How much do we mean that we would do "anything" to see our loved ones know Jesus. Throughout this book, Chan challenges the reader to stop reading and pray, or dig into God's Word. This was part of the reason I thought about buying a copy - so I could go slowly, contemplate, re-read passages.

Introduction: Why do words come out of your mouth that sound unkind, ungentle, unloving? Jesus says the problem is not your mouth but your heart (Matt. 12:34). 

 

I highlighted this so that I would look up Matthew 12:34 ("You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.")  I decided to keep it in as I'm blogging because I often struggle with my mouth - talking too much, saying unkind things, etc. I want the Lord to cleanse my heart and purify me. I want Him to replace my heart of stone with a heart filled with love.

Introduction: Yet Jesus said that love for God and love for our neighbor are literally the most important things (Mark 12:28-31). There is a hope for unity, but until you are willing to accept the simplicity of it, we will continue to divide.

Love God and love people. How easy it sounds! Yet it is what Jesus told us to do.

Introduction: Humility and repentance always lead to life and grace. It could be that repenting of our pride will lead to a vibrant love relationship with God and others, resulting in a fullness of life that we've never tasted.

This is one of those passages I want to savor, turning it over in my mind and praying about my own life and choices. Humility and repentance.

Chapter 1 (It's What the Trinity Wants): We can't allow our souls to become indifferent or calloused to the evil around us.

The idea that God grieves over our sin and we should strive to be like Him, grieving over sin also . . . pushes me away from complacency. I think I sometimes have to work to not care so deeply that I am worried or anxious. But I cannot let the pendulum swing to the point where I'm in my happy little bubble, ignoring the darkness and suffering in the world around me.

Chapter 1: God, help us feel what You feel. Align our desires with Yours.

I love that he ends the chapter with this prayer! Yes, help me to align my desires with Yours, oh Lord.

Chapter 2 (It's What You Want): Praise God for His finished work on the cross!

Christ died so that I might live. Although I need to "work out my salvation," I am already saved. Praise God! There is so much more in this paragraph that I could blog, but please just read the book.

Chapter 2: I'll say it again: lukewarm people are not Christian! This isn't me saying this. Read Revelation 3. Again, this is why Christ is knocking on the door. He's asking you to let Him in because He's not in you yet! . . . There are still far too many people on the earth who genuinely believe they can be saved by Christ's atoning death without following Him as their Lord. 

This is one of those places when the holiness of God and the power of His Word makes me stop and consider my own sometimes-cavalier acceptance of His grace, mercy, and love. I do not want to become lukewarm! 

Chapter 2: If you have experienced the life-changing love of Jesus, you will be overflowing with love for God and others. It's that simple.

Boom! Jesus has changed me. Praise God He has changed me! Praise God that the Lord fills me up with His love. I want to overflow.

Chapter 2: The true believer must acknowledge Jesus as Lord.

Chan is talking about the truth that some people are willing to accept Jesus as savior, but don't necessarily want Him to be in control of their life. We don't get to stay in charge of ourselves when we submit to the Lord.

Chapter 3 (It's What the World Needs): We get more emotional over Christians leaving to go to a different church than we do about people dying and going to Hell.

I'm not sure I agree with this statement, but I completely understand its heart. We should be concerned about people's souls and sharing the gospel with them, more than we fuss over people who have left our body of believers at our local church.

Chapter 3: There is no danger greater than an eternity apart from God. We need God to revive our concern for the destiny of unbelievers.

Yes, Lord. Please revive my concern for the destiny of unbelievers, especially for those I love and want to see again in Heaven.

Chapter 3: The lesson of this story is that no matter how good or logical it seems, it is never appropriate to modify God's commands in light of human reasoning. At the root of that kind of behavior is pride, thinking that somehow in our wisdom we have considered something God neglected to notice. God treats this presumption as idolatry.

He's referring to the story in 1 Samuel when Saul is told to destroy all the livestock of the Amalekites. Instead, he selects some of the best animals to sacrifice to God. I can 100% see why Saul thought it was a good idea to do this! He wanted to give the best to God! Except, that's not what God told him to do . . . I struggle with obedience, too.

Chapter 3: But now that you can clearly see in Jesus' prayer that deep unity among His followers is Jesus' plan for bringing the world to see Him, I hope your motivation is through the roof!

I'm not really sure why I highlighted this, but it is causing me to go back to the surrounding paragraphs. If we as believers take seriously Jesus' prayer for unity, we could see people come to salvation and eternal life. It's worth it!

Chapter 3: A common mission brings oneness.

Chan makes a great analogy with marriage. If spouses have a common focus and goal, they will be unified. Minor squabbles fall away and don't become acrimonious because the partners want to achieve the same thing. Scripture tells us that Jesus wants us to be one, just as He and the Father are one.

Chapter 4 (It Starts with Repentance): The truth is that God probably communicates in a mode that I can barely fathom.

It's always ironic when we try to place God in a box that fits our own limitations . . . Scripture tells us that His ways are not our ways. We have ideas about who / what God is, but we really cannot fathom Him.

Chapter 4: Rather than fighting for followers or individual glory, the early church prioritized His unified Bride. 

This section makes me want to do more research and study about the early church, but I'm not a theologian and I don't want to be.

Chapter 4: When we hear stories of how Christ works in others, it makes us want to praise Him even more. It's a sanctified snowball effect. There should be no end to the things in Christ that we can boast about.

I love hearing people's testimonies! I love hearing others praise and glorify God!

Chapter 5 (It Comes with Maturity): Acquiring knowledge without using it in love for others leads to a pride that takes you further from Christ.

Ooh! This makes me think of Pastor Jamie talking about the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Thank you, Lord, that You are helping me grow in wisdom!

Chapter 5: Love is supposed to be the point of church!

I love his avocado on burrito analogy. Some people see community and discipleship as "extras" or "add-ons" if you like it rather than as essential parts of the Christian life.

Chapter 6 (It Survives with Love): Instead of improving our speech and nuancing, we need to beg for a change of heart.

Chan talks about the futility of preaching about love if love is absent in reality. This made me think of the scene in Young Sheldon where Sheldon goes into the sanctuary and points out the hypocrisy of talking about love and then being unloving toward his family. Ouch.

Chapter 6: Imagine walking into a room where there wasn't a single person thinking of himself or herself, including you. In humility, they all considered others more important than themselves.

He goes on to describe this "dream" of a place where people are overwhelmed by God's love. It sounds heavenly.

Chapter 7 (It Requires a Fight): We need to confront with caution because we don't have the same discernment as Jesus.

Amen to that! We're so ready to spout our opinions and thoughts on any topic (me included!) that sometimes we fail to exercise caution and discernment. I need You, Lord.

Chapter 7: Could things have been different if the church really became a group that exuded supernatural love?

As Chan was raising questions in this chapter, I thought about my own struggle with what to say, how to say it, and regret over missed opportunities. Three times, I've spent time with someone who was likely close to eternity and I've not shared the gospel the way I feel I should have. I don't know if Nan, Mara, and Chris are in Heaven or not. I know it's not my job to "save" people; conviction is up to the Holy Spirit. But I definitely should pray for His wisdom and courage to share salvation with people who I am confident will soon face Him. I cannot go back in time, but I don't want to continue to be cowardly about sharing my faith.

Chapter 7: Remember that His commands lead to life. It's always easier to remain angry, but obedience leads to greater life.

A lot of this chapter really digs in to theology. There were several times I thought about giving this book to pastors I know. But I love that even in wrestling with what Scripture says about everything from salvation to sanctification, the upshot is that God leads us to life. Abundant life and Life Eternal.

 

Chapter 7:  

First, don't overreact.

Second, remember your own failures.

Third, never stop loving.

Fourth, don't pay too much attention to the wrong things.

Fifth, don't quit.

Sixth, turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Seventh, believe that it does get easier.

 

I have a lot of notes for this chapter! I really liked these points that he was making and I feel he is directing specifically toward pastors. It can be disheartening to deal with these big theological divides. A lot of people struggle with denominations and the divisiveness of this world. He shares some pretty relevant stories.

 

Chapter 7:  All I'm asking you to do is keep a few things in mind as you continue fighting for the things God has placed in your heart.

This was in a section called "Why Don't They Care Like I Do?" This is key! Not every Christian has the same burden on their heart. God speaks to each of us differently. It can be overwhelming to care passionately about starving people, trafficking, abortion, etc. There simply isn't enough time and energy to devote to all the things that God cares about! We need to listen for His direction for our life.

Chapter 7: We would all prioritize these differently. That's my point.

He has reviewed some of the "fights" that Christians have: for the unsaved, for widows and orphans, for the unborn, etc. This section is really powerful. It's not a question of "which" of these fights is more important, but rather what is God laying on each person's heart? We each need to seek God's will and direction for our own life.

Chapter 7: We can't afford to discourage the passion of fellow believers. We are called to "stir up one another to love and good works" (Hebrews 10:24). So let's continue to lovingly challenge each other to greater depths of empathy and sacrifice.

I love this! I don't have to care as passionately about another believer's "cause," but I can encourage them and support them.

Chapter 7: It's just that we will never all care equally. And unlike God, we only have so much capacity to take on action.

Amen! I need to trust and obey and know that I cannot do anything without the Lord Jesus guiding and directing me. It's okay that I am passionate about different things than other believers. I need to be passionate about what God is speaking to my heart.

Chapter 7: But there is something so beautiful and powerful about a group of incredibly diverse people uniting under a common banner. It shows the world that our common obsession with the worth of our King is more powerful than any social, political, culture, or economic divide. It shows them a picture of Heaven.

Praising and glorifying God is more important than trying to prove our own point.

Chapter 7: It's impossible to be unified by yourself.

I love being part of a church family. God designed us for fellowship with Him and with one another. It can be challenging and frustrating to work with other people, but we are not designed to do life in isolation.

Chapter 8 (It Must Start Small): Learn what it means to abide in the Father, because apart form Him you will not bear fruit (John 15:4-5). Ask Him to help you see the people around you through His eyes.

Part of the reason I highlighted this is that "abide" is my One Word for 2025-26. I love this sentiment and reminder for my own life.

Chapter 8: God didn't call us to neutrality. He wants every word to be spoken in love.

 

This is something to ponder. The "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is pretty non-confrontational. But sometimes we need to confront people or situations that are outside of God's will. Doing so in love (rather than anger, self-righteousness, etc.) is key. God doesn't want us to be lukewarm! He rejects us if we are lukewarm.

Chapter 8: Christians in the United States spend far more time criticizing others than sharing the gospel.

 

Ouch, but too true. Criticism seems to be what everyone is doing, not just Christians. But we should be known by our love.  (John 13:35).

Chapter 8: My prayer in writing this book has been that we as a church could come to our senses and see all of the division and infighting as something contrary to God's design.

 

Reading this book is a good start for me. Divisiveness has intensified in our country over the last decade (IMO) and as Christians, we should stand for unity and God's truth.

Chapter 8: But I believe the Spirit of God can unite us in ways that are supernatural.

 

Praise God! He can do in us and through us that which we cannot achieve in our own strength.

Chapter 8: When we begin to see one another conforming our actions and lifestyles to those of Jesus and the early church, we will be more prone to unite.

 

Be more like Jesus. It will make a difference in this world.

The Uncool

By: Cameron Crowe

Libby audiobook 9 hours

Read by the author

Published: 2025

Genre: Memoir

Wow! I had heard part of an interview on the radio and requested the movie Almost Famous as well as this audiobook. We enjoyed watching the movie together and now I've been able to hear the author's story firsthand. Wild!

I wasn't aware of Cameron Crowe but am now fascinated! He started writing for Rolling Stone magazine as a teenager. He met and interviewed some phenomenally huge stars before he even turned 21. Then he went on to write Fast Times at Ridgemont High (which I may need to re-watch, as it's been more than a few decades . . . ). He wrote and directed other movies with which I'm familiar. Wild how much this man has done and I didn't really know who he was.

It was fun to hear his story and recognize how pieces of his memoir made it into the movie . . . the Stillwater band in the movie was an amalgam of The Allman Brothers and other groups he toured with. It still blows my mind that they welcomed him in to their backstage world and their hotel rooms. His mom is a pretty important character in both his memoir and the movie. His oldest sister didn't make it into the movie and the info about her life was heart-rending.

This is well-written and a delight to listen to, even though I'm not a huge music person.